Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties
by ProfessionallyCrazedTrigunFan
Summary: What if Legato finally was granted his wish for the Eternal Pain and Suffering of Vash the Stampede? He'd use it to manipulate and exploit Vash's weakness, that's what. And what's this? Someone's dead?
1. The Plottings of Knives and Legato

Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun or anything associated with it. For if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this would I? No. I would be gathering all you talented Trigun maniacs and we would extend the show so far with our ideas that there would probably be over 500 episodes. -cackles.- But yeah. Sadly, Im just an obsessed fangirl who owns not the tiniest thing except for her Meryl keychain and manga.  
  
A/N: If you don't like random insanity, don't bother reading this. But if you have a slightly twisted deranged mind, read onwards and review please.   
  
Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties  
  
Chapter 1 - The Plottings of Knives and Legato  
  
Knives & Legato: -hiding in a bar behind the counter speaking in hushed voices.-   
  
Knives: You know the plan, Legato.   
  
Legato: Yes, Master. Vash the Stampede shall experience eternal pain and suffering.But,um...  
  
Knives: What is it? -cocks an eyebrow .-  
  
Legato: ...Can I get a hot dog first?  
  
Knives: ... ¬.¬'  
  
Legato: -puppy eyes.-  
  
Knives: sighs Fine. Whatever.   
  
Legato: Joy! Thank you Master! -glomps Knives.-  
  
Knives: Argh! Get off me!   
Legato: -skips merrily outside to the nearest hot dog stand.- You. -points at the guy selling the hot dogs.- I desire a foot-long with the works. Does your small mind comprehend this? -speaks very slowly.-   
  
Hot Dog Guy: ...Yeah, sure, whatever buddy. -busies himself with making the hot dog.-   
  
Legato: o.O -twitch.- I AM NOT YOUR BUDDY YOU SICK FREAK! Now just hand over the hot dog, and back off slowly!  
  
Hot Dog Man: o.o Um...no?   
  
Legato:- vein pulses in his temple.- You shall pay for your impudence, pathetic human.  
  
Hot Dog Guy: -feels his limbs start to lock up.- Ahh! Someone help me!   
  
Legato: -devours his hotdog leisurely.- Now you shall die. -cackles evilly whilst lightning flashes in the background and creepy bad guy laughing music plays.-  
  
Knives: (from inside the bar) LEGATO! FINISH YOUR DAMN HOTDOG AND GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!  
  
Legato: Aw, but master! I was having fun! -takes one last pathetic look at the hot dog stand and sniffles.-  
  
Knives: NOW, LEGATO, OR NO MORE HOT DOGS EVER!  
  
Legato: -falls to his knees.- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I obey, Master! -runs inside the bar.-  
  
Hot Dog Guy: Um..hello? Im still frozen here..  
  
-----------------------Inside the Bar  
  
Knives: Alright, slave. Snack time's over. Get to work.   
  
Legato: -sniffles one last time over the loss of the hot dogs.-   
  
----------------------In a Hotel on the second floor  
  
Legato: -outside Vash's room.- Mwa ha ha, the idiot has gone seeking this ridiculous round pastry thingies. Now is my chance. Maybe master will let me have some more hot dogs if I do a good job. Now, how to unlock this door? -sits there for quite some time pondering on this.- Hm..maybe I could attempt to jar it open.. -grabs the door handle and begins to shake it like he's trying to rip it off it's hinges. To his surprise, the door opens.-   
  
Legato:- blinks.- e.e What an idiot. He left his door unlocked. I wasted a whole 30 minutes on pondering how to get in! Urgh! -tiptoes into the bathroom and steps into the shower.- Hm... -sniffs his armpit.- I could use a shower...Ah well. That can wait for now. -grabs Vash's shampoo bottle and pours its contents down the drain.- Vash the Stampede, prepare to suffer! -pours a mysterious liquid into the now empty shampoo bottle.-   
  
-------------------------A few hours later  
  
Vash: Ah. My beloved donuts of sugary goodness, at last we are reunited! (Meaning he hasn't had any since breakfast) -opens his door.- Stupid innkeeper. Why'd me have to give ME the room with the door that doesn't lock? Oh well. I need a shower.   
  
A/N: Eh. Not quite what I expected. But it'll get better. I think. 


	2. Vash's Bad Hair Day and Legato's Reward

Disclaimer: Sadly, I am one of the many fans who can only pine away for ownership of Trigun. Wait! I have an idea! -sneaks over to Mr. Nightow's lawyer's place thingy and begins searching.- Ah ha! I have found it! Now I shall change his will and Trigun shall belong to me! -hears noise from outside window.- Oh crap. -thousands of fans are pressed up against the window.- Im doomed.  
  
Heh heh. Anyways. Enjoy chapter 2.  
  
Vash's Bad Hair Day and Legato's Reward  
  
Vash: -is in the shower, singing his Genocide song.- Ah. Time for the shampoo. -splurts some into his hand and lathers it into his hair.- Hm..this stuff smells slightly different from my usual stuff. I hope Millie didn't replace it with pudding again. x.x   
  
----------A few minutes later, Vash gets out of the shower.  
  
Vash: -still humming the Genocide song.- Now where's my hairgel? Ah. Here we go. -spikes his hair, not bothering to look in the mirror.-   
  
Wolfwood (from some random room in the house): OI! TONGARI! FRESH DONUTS!  
  
Vash: DONUTS? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! -in his happiness of having fresh donuts, he drops the towel he was holding around his waist.- Gah. -puts the towel back wherer it belongs, only to look up and see hundreds of rabid fangirls crammed against his window, trying to get a better view.- o.O I should remind that insurance girl to get some curtains. But back to the significantly more important issue: DONUUUUUUUUUUUUTS! Just lemme check my hair. -takes a towel and wipes the steam off the mirror and stares.- **HOLY GRANDMA'S KITCHENWARE**! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....  
  
This screaming continued for several more minutes, until a rock flew threw the window and knocked him unconscious.  
  
----------------------------Once more, in the bar behind the counter  
  
Knives: -is dancing with glee.- Well done, minion! You have earned yourself unlimited hot dog priveleges for the next 3 days!  
  
Legato: Master, nothing in the universe could possibly express my uncontained pure unadulterated happiness at the words that you have just spoken. -tears of joy flow down his face, much like Vash's.-  
  
Legato: . YOU DARE TO COMPARE ME WITH THAT WUSSY! I DO **NOT** CRY JOYFULLY LIKE VASH THE STAMPEDE! MY TEARS ARE MORE MANLY, DO YOU HEAR ME??? MANLY I SAY! _**MANLY!  
**_  
Knives: o.O Who the hell are you talking to?  
  
Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls: THAT'S RIGHT! LEGATO THE ALMIGHTY'S TEARS ARE MUCH MORE MANLY THAN VASH THE DONUT MAN'S! WHAT YOU SAY IS BLASPHEMOUS!  
  
Random Crowd of Screaming Vash Fangirls: SAY WHAT? VASH IS MUCH MORE MANLY THAN THAT MAN NAMED AFTER A MUSIC TERM!  
  
At this, the Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls and the Random Crowd of Screaming Vash Fangirls started a massive war in which many fangirls where unfortunately killed. I smote the rest for giving me a headache with their screaming.   
  
Knives and Legato: o.O  
  
Knives: Why don't _I _have a Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls?  
  
Me: -points to suggestion box.- You want something, you can ask for it the same way everyone else does.   
  
Knives: Oh. -sniffles and pouts.-  
  
Legato: No worries, Master. I shall find you a Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls. However, you shall have to wait 3 days, since you have given me unlimited hot dog priveleges. And nothing, I say, **NOTHING** comes before the hot dogs. -hold his hands up to the heavens as hot dogs rain from the skies.-  
  
Knives: -twitch.- What's with the hot dog storm?  
  
Legato: DO NOT QUESTION THE HOLY RAIN OF HOT DOGS! IF THE ALL OMNIPOTENT AUTHORESS DEEMS IT SHALL RAIN HOT DOGS, IT SHALL RAIN HOT DOGS!  
  
Knives: -slowly backs away.- Um...right. While you're doing that, Im going to go see how our little plan to smite Vash has turned out.   
  
------------------Meanwhile, back in the hotel/house thing or whereever the crap they're staying  
  
Vash: WOLFWOOD! INSURANCE GIRLS!   
  
Meryl, Millie & Wolfwood: What??  
  
Vash: -comes running into the room, still dressed in only a towel.-  
  
Meryl: -stares at the towel.-  
  
Wolfwood: -stares at Meryl staring at the towel.- O.o  
  
Millie: -stares at Vash's hair.- Oh, Mr. Vash, it's so adorable! -claps her hands together merrily and bounces up and down.-  
  
Wolfwood: -looks up at Vash's hair.- o.O Tongari....what were you thinking?  
  
Meryl: -still staring at the towel.-  
  
Vash: **ADORABLE**???!?!?!?! THIS -points to his hair.- IS NOT ADORABLE! IT'S.....IT'S...IT'S..... -breaks down sobbing.-  
  
Millie: -pats Vash on the back.- Really, Mr. Vash, it's not that bad!   
  
Wolfwood: -twitch.- I'm scarred for life.   
  
Meryl: -still staring at towel.-  
  
Vash: Blast it woman, stop trying to see my unmentionables through the towel!!!  
  
Meryl: Who said anything about trying? I have X-ray vision.  
  
Vash, Millie & Wolfwood: ..........................O.O  
  
Vash: That...is ...SO.....wrong......what do you think?  
  
Meryl: -giggles.-  
  
Wolfwood & Millie: -fall over.- x.x' (A/N: Im sure you people already know this, but whenever someone falls over, you know it's anime style right? So i dont have to say it every time? You do? Good. I was scared there for a minute.)   
  
Vash: -indecent thoughts.- Uh...back to the main point thing. MY HAIR IS....  
  
At that particular moment, Knives chose to come barging in. Actually, it was more like running and screaming hysterically, screaming something about Legato, hot dogs, rabid fangirls, and manliness.   
  
A/N: Will we ever find out what happened to Vash's hair? Or why exactly Knives chose that moment to use their house as a hiding spot from a hot dog-crazed Legato? Find out in Chapter 3! Review pleezes. 


	3. The Mystery of Vash's Hair and the Cheer...

Disclaimer: I don't own crap. Much less Trigun. However, I do own the phrase 'HOLY GRANDMA'S KITCHENWARE' soley because me, myself, and I made it up. Also, I do not own the Spice Girls (which would be really weird o.O) or any or their songs, merchandising, or other stuffs.   
  
A/N: Yay! My heart exploded with joy from your reviews! Which means that I had to have a heart transplant. Heh heh. Anyways. Yes, yes, I know. Im keeping you all in suspense about what happened to Vash's hair. But what fun would it be if I just flat out told you in the first chapter? Bo-ring. Not only that, I was reconsidering the idea I originally had to see if I could come up with something better. I didn't, but I thought of a little something extra to go with it. Oh, and I've had a request. Sephiroth1Ripley8 (who from this point on will be referred to as Sephy ') shall be a member of the Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls. So celebrate, you get a special part in the story. =D And now, onwards to chapter 3 and plenty of OOCness and random insanity!  
  
Chapter 3 - The Mystery of Vash's Hair and the Cheer-Up Party  
  
----------------------------------------It's 3 days later, meaning Legato's hot dog priveleges are gone.  
  
Legato: -sulking.- I wanna hot dog. u.u  
  
Knives: Legato...in the past three days alone you have eaten over four thousand hot dogs. .'  
  
Legato: I know. -whines.- But they're just _soooooo_ good! -sniffle.-  
  
Knives: Well reward time is over. Now. Where is my Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls that I asked for?  
  
Legato: Oh yes, I promised, didn't I? Okees, master. I shall be back soon with a crowd of rabid fangirls! -steals an ice cream truck and drives off in search of Knives-crazed females.-   
  
Knives: -just shakes his head.-  
  
-------------------------------------At the house/hotel thingy  
  
Wolfwood: Vash. You have to come out of the bathroom at _some_ point. It's not all that bad.  
  
Vash: Yes it is! It's even worse than before! -wails.-  
  
Meryl: You idiot, you can't stay in there forever! What am I going to say in my reports: "Vash the Stampede has locked himself in the bathroom due to a bad hair day and refuses to come out forever"?   
  
Vash: -sniffles.- You're so heartless insurance girl!   
  
Millie: I know what we can do to cheer you up, Mr. Vash! Let's go have a party down at the bar! We can invite your brother and all of his friends too!  
  
Everyone: .........................  
  
Vash:....Millie. Exactly **how** much pudding have you had today?  
  
Millie: Only 27 3/4 cups. n.n'  
  
Vash,Wolfwood & Meryl: x.x'  
  
Millie: If you don't agree to this, Mr. Vash, I'll cry!  
  
Vash: NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
  
Wolfwood: Okay okay Big Girl, we'll have the party. Just don't cry.   
  
Millie: **YAY**! -glomps Wolfwood.-  
  
Wolfwood: Heh heh heh.  
  
Meryl: Ugh. Vash, get dressed. We'll all meet at the bar in an hour.   
  
Everyone: Okees.   
  
----------------------------An hour later, everyone's entering the bar.   
  
Vash: -is wearing a paper bag over his head.-  
  
Wolfwood: Vash. Take the bag off.  
  
Vash: No. I said I'd go to the party, but I never said I wouldn't wear a paper bag over my head!  
  
Meryl: VASH TAKE THE DAMN THING OFF!  
  
Vash: -whimpers.-  
  
Knives: -marches (literally) in with his Gung Ho Guns, minus Legato (who is still out driving the stolen ice cream truck looking for Knives-crazed females).- So. -looks around suspiciously.- I hear that there is to be a party here, and some fool with a death wish has invited us.   
  
Millie: Mr. Knives! -glomps Knives.- So glad you could come! And you brought all your friends! YAY!  
  
Knives: -twitch.-  
  
Meryl: -leading Vash over to a large squarish box thing.- Hey Vash. I got a jacuzzi for the party!  
  
Vash: Ooh! A Jacuzzi! Can I open it??  
  
Meryl: Yep. .  
  
Vash: -lifts up the lid.- Uh...insurance girl?  
  
Meryl: What?  
  
Vash: Why is the jacuzzi filled with **STRAWS**?  
  
Meryl: Vash, you know perfectly well that water is rare enough on Gunsmoke without us wasting it in a jacuzzi.   
  
Vash: u.u'  
  
Knives: -canonballs into the jacuzzi.- **WAHOOO**!  
  
Everyone: O.O'  
  
Knives: Ow. I think I have a straw up my butt.  
  
Everyone: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.  
  
Meryl: Riiiiight. Anyway. Millie! Time for the entertainment!  
  
Millie: -grabs Meryl, Dominique, Zazie, and Midvalley and runs off to a curtain behind a stage that's set up across from the bar counter.-  
  
Wolfwood: o.O What do you think they're planning?  
  
Vash & Knives: I'm not sure I want to know.   
  
Knives: By the way, Vash. Why are you wearing a paperbag on your head? You look like a moron.   
  
Vash: -in a high pitched, squeaky voice.- None of your business!  
  
Wolfwood: C'mon Vash. Just take the damn thing off.   
  
At that moment, a loud explosion was heard. Legato had driven through a wall with the stolen ice cream truck. A Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls came flooding through the hole in the wall.  
  
Legato: Master, I have returned with the Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls that you requested.  
  
Knives: **YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY**! Now you may choose a reward Legato.  
  
Legato....-thinking.- .......Can I change my name to Jones?  
  
Everyone: o.O'  
  
(A/N: The 'Jones' thing is an inside joke between my friends and I.)  
  
Knives: Ok. But only for this chapter.  
  
Jones/Legato: Joy! Chapter?  
  
Knives: Right...Anyway. Now I shall choose a personal slave who shall attend to me at all times from this Random Crowd of Screaming Knivs Fangirls. -appears to ponder as the girls all beg him to pick her.-   
  
Vash: x.x' Why me?  
  
Knives: Shut up needle-noggin. _You_! -points at a fangirl.- Come here. From now on, you shall be my personal slave and attend to my every need.  
  
Random Fangirl #164579: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! -does a dance of joy.-  
  
Knives: Yes yes yes. We're all very happy. Leg... I mean Jones, go make a cake in honor of the momentuous occasion!  
  
Jones/Legato: Yes Master. -skips off into the kitchen eating a hot dog that appeared from nowhere.-  
  
Random Fangirl #164579: -jumps into the straw jacuzzi with Knives.- What can I do for you, Almighty Godly Master?  
  
Knives: Hee hee. I like that. "Almighty Godly Master". Tell me, slave. What is your name?  
  
Random Fangirl #164579: I'm Sephy. .  
  
Knives: -puts his arm around Sephy.- Well congratulations Sephy. Free beers on the house!  
  
Everyone: -cheers!-  
  
Jones/Legato: -returns with a 47 layer cake.-  
  
Vash: **Woooooooooooooooooow**.  
  
Wolfwood: Yum. What flavor is it?  
  
Jones/Legato: Rum.  
  
Wolfwood: I love you.  
  
Jones/Legato: o.O Gross.  
  
Wolfwood: e.e Not _THAT_ way.  
  
Jones/Legato: Right. -starts tossing out free beers.-  
  
Vash: -catches his and tries to drink it.- Crap! I forgot to put a mouth hole in this stupid paperbag.  
  
Rai-Dei: Well then take it off, idiot.   
  
Vash: Noooooo!  
  
Knives: Aw, come on, bro. It can't be _THAT _bad.  
  
Vash: Yes it can, yes it can!  
  
Wolfwood: Tongari, if you do not take that ridiculous bag off your head right now, I'll-  
  
Random Announcer Guy: Ladies, Gentlement, and Evil people, it is my pleasure to present to you....**the Spice Girls**?!!?!?!  
  
Everyone: O.O' .' X.X'  
  
Millie,Meryl,Dominique,Zazie, & Midvalley: -come out from behind the curtain.-  
  
Millie: -is dressed as Ginger Spice with a short blue,red,and white tight minidress.-  
  
Meryl: -dressed as Posh Spice wearing the little Gucci dress.-  
  
Dominique: -dressed as Scary Spice in that tight leopard print outfit.-  
  
Zazie: -dressed as Baby Spice with a blonde wig with pigtails and platform shoes and a pink minidress.-  
  
Midvalley: -dressed as Sporty Spice with hair extensions in a ponytails and Nike Airs.-  
  
Everyone except for aformentioned "Spice Girls": **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY EYES! THEY BUUUUUUUUUURN**! -faints.-  
  
Millie: OI! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FAINT! WAKE UP OR I'LL CRY!  
  
Everyone: NOT THAT! -wake up.-  
  
Millie: That's better. .  
  
Wolfwood: Hey Big Girl. Nice dress. .  
  
Millie/Ginger Spice: Thank you. n.n  
  
Meryl: And for our first song, we'll sing "Stop." !  
  
Everyone: -groans.-  
  
Millie: -whips out her stungun.-  
  
Everyone: I mean..uh...YAY!  
  
"Spice Girls": -sing "Stop" whilst everyone tries to cover up their ears without actually doing so.-  
  
Meryl: Thank you! We love you too.   
  
Zazie and Midvalley: No we don't.  
  
Millie and Meryl: Yes we do.  
  
Zazie and Midvalley: **NO** we **DON'T**.  
  
Millie and Meryl: **YES** we **DO**.  
  
Jones/Legato: -sneaks up behind Vash and rips the paperbag off his head.-  
  
Vash:**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_**! -the bag is removed to reveal...Vash's once beautiful blonde locks are now a hot neon pink.-  
  
Everyone: **O.O AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**!  
  
Vash: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE YOU JONES/LEGATO! YOU'RE SO MEAN! -at that precise moment, there was a loud **_POOF _**and Vash now had a pink poofy afro instead of blonde spikes.-  
  
Jones/Legato: Oh, Master, I did forget to mention that I spiced up the plan a bit by replacing Vash the Stampede's hairgel with InstAfro gel.  
  
Knives: -rolling around on the floor laughing and crying.- (A/N: If you've ever seen episode 5 of Chobits, I think it's episode 5, where Hideki is trying to study but he can't concentrate so he's rolling around on the floor, its like that) EXCELLENT WORK! -choking on laughter.- Sephy, a free keg to everyone in the house, and a lifetime's supply of hotdogs for Jonesy here!  
  
Sephy: Right away, Almighty Godly Master!   
  
End of Chapter 3.  
  
A/N: Well? What do you think? Reviews, yes you must review! I got volume 2 of Trigun manga today so Im hyper and excited. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I can guarantee that this story thing will probably be long. Im not sure how long, but it will be filled with more stupid plots, random spontaneous bar parties, and more. Now hurry and click the stupid review button! 


	4. The Revenge of Afro Man

Disclaimer: Nope. Can't say that I own Trigun. So if you decide for some random reason that you feel like sueing me, I shall just sue you back for child abandonment. o.O  
  
**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties   
  
Chapter 4 - The Revenge of Afro Man**  
  
Sephy: -runs off to fetch kegs and Legato's lifetime supply of hotdogs.-  
  
Everyone minus Knives & Legato: -still staring at Vash's poofy pink afro.- O.O  
  
Knives: -still rolling around on the floor laughing his brains out.-  
  
Legato: -daydreaming about his hot dogs.-  
  
Vash: WAAAAAAAAAH! YOU'RE ALL SO CRUEL! -goes running into the bathroom.-  
  
Midvalley: Genius! Pure genius! You thought of that Knives?  
  
Knives: -wiping tears from his eyes.- Yeah. Except for the afro part. That was all Legato.  
  
Dominique: Way to go Legato!  
  
Legato: Hot dogs...  
  
Everyone: o.O Okay....  
  
Millie: I think we should give Mr. Vash a big squeaky clown nose and big floppy shoes!  
  
Wolfwood: I think that just might kill him.   
  
--------------------------------In the Bathroom----------------------------------  
  
Vash: -sniffling.- I hate you Legato, formerly known as Jones, formerly known as Legato! I'll get even! And that's a promise! -looks in the mirror, and a wicked grin slowly creeps across his face.- Oh. I know just how to exact my revenge on you, Legato. Two can play at this game. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!   
  
Vash slipped out of the bar unnoticed, which was a surprise, 'cause c'mon, who's not gonna notice a guy with a hot pink poofy afro?, and high-tailed it over to Knives' evil lair.   
  
--------------------------------Back at the Bar--------------------------------  
  
Meryl: -knocks on the bathroom door.- Vash, you can come out now. Vash? Are you in there? C'mon, it's funny! We're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you!  
  
Everyone, including Meryl: -sniggers.-  
  
Meryl: Vash, unless you answer me right now I'm going to barge in there!  
  
Wolfwood: -quietly.- And then she'll lock the door behind her.   
  
Zazie: -cackles.-  
  
Meryl: -**THWAP**.-  
  
Wolfwood & Zazie: OWIE!  
  
Meryl: Go suck a dead thomas.   
  
Millie: _GASP_! Sempai! Watch your language!  
  
Meryl: Pudding.  
  
Millie: **WHERE?!?!?! **-starts running around in circles around the bar at 150 mph.-  
  
Everyone: x.X Dizzeh....  
  
Vash: -twirls into the bar.- (A/N: Yes. Twirls.)  
  
Knives: o.O Weren't you in the bathroom?  
  
Vash: Maybe.  
  
Wolfwood: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Vash: Oh, nothing...  
  
Millie: So do you like your new afro now, Mr. Vash?  
  
Vash: No, I don't like it. But I've come to terms with it. After all, -adjusts his collar smugly.- I'm secure in my masculinity!  
  
Meryl: -twitch.- What masculinity? You're an overgrown baby!  
  
Vash: -sniffle.- Meanie!  
  
Legato: Ahem.  
  
Knives: What is it, minion?  
  
Legato: I must go back to the lai...house to freshen up. I must look my best when my promised lifetime supply of hotdogs arrives.  
  
Knives: Okay then. Bye? o.O  
  
Gung-Ho-Guns: Bye Leggy!  
  
Legato: -twitch.- Sayonara. -leaves.-  
  
Dominique: I'm bored.Why's no one running the bar?  
  
Wolfwood: Indeed!  
  
Dominique: Ugh. Never send a man to do a woman's job!  
  
Meryl & Millie: Amen!  
  
Dominique: -goes into the back room for a minute, then comes back out dressed in a grass skirt, coconuts, and leis (A/N: No idea how to spell that.).-  
  
All Males Present: ô.O  
  
Meryl & Millie: -blink.-  
  
Dominique: Well somebody has to take charge of this bar, and it might as well be me. Now. Who's going to be the barmaid?  
  
Millie: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Pick me!  
  
Dominique: Alright. Millie, you shall be the barmaid.  
  
Millie: JOY! -runs in the back and comes out in a skimpy barmaid outfit.-  
  
Wolfwood: -drools.-  
  
Vash: -cackles at Wolfwood.-  
  
Wolfwood: -too busy ogling to notice.-  
  
Meryl: Wolfwood, put your eyes back in your head.  
  
Wolfwood: Oi, barmaid! I'll give you free pudding if you come and sit in my lap.  
  
Millie: **O.O PUDDING!!! AND WOLFY! OH HAPPY DAY**! -jumps onto Wolfwood's lap.-  
  
Wolfwood: Oof. I'm happy. -naughty grin.-  
  
Vash: Knives, you've been in that jacuzzi so long I think your starting to turn into a prune.  
  
Knives:....Vash.  
  
Vash: What?  
  
Knives: The scary part is, you're right. The scar_ier_ part is, the jacuzzi is filled with straws and not water. O.O  
  
Vash: Dun dun dun.   
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
Just then, screaming was heard outside.  
  
Familiar Voice: **I SHALL KILL YOU VASH THE STAMPEDE! YOU ARE DOOMED!   
**  
Vash: -rolls around on the floor cackling.- **THAT'S WHAT YOU GET BLUEBOY!**  
  
Legato: -enters, his eye bugging out of his head in rage.-  
  
Knives: -stares at Legato's hair.- My God...  
  
Meryl: I think it looks nice.  
  
Legato: -twitch.- I hate you.  
  
Meryl: Who doesn't?  
  
Millie: -raises hand.- I don't!  
  
Legato: -turns on Vash.- How dare you?!?!  
  
Vash: How dare I?!?!?! How dare you!!!!  
  
Vash & Legato: -begin a glaring contest.-  
  
Dominique: -was below the counter and so hasn't yet seen what Vash did to Legato's hair.- Huh? What's going on?  
  
Midvalley: Vash got revenge on Legato by putting bleach in Legato's shampoo, thus turning his hair from dark blue to a light aqua.  
  
Legato: _**I'M GOING TO KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!  
**_  
Vash: -bitchslaps Legato across the face.-  
  
Everyone: -**GASP**.-  
  
Legato: **Oh _NO_ YOU JUST DIDN'T!  
**  
Vash: -puts his hands on his hips.- **OH _YES _I JUST DID!**  
  
Knives: Hey, cool it!  
  
Vash: DON'T INTERRUPT US, KNIVES-CHAN!  
  
Knives: -vein pulses in temple.-  
  
Legato: Oh now you done it.  
  
Knives: CHAN?!?!?!? WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF CALLIN' ME CHAN, BITCH?!  
  
Vash: SINCE I FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR SEX CHANGE!  
  
Legato: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Gung-Ho-Guns: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Wolfwood: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Meryl & Millie: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Sephy: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**  
Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**  
Random Crowd of Screaming Vash Fangirls: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Random Crowd of Screaming Other Male Character Fangirls: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Random Pedestrians on the Street Outside: **GASP! O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**  
Readers: **GASP! O.O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
Authoress: **_ENOUGH WITH THE GASPING ALREADY!_**  
  
Knives: . VAAAAAAAASSSSSSHHHIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! WHO TOLD YOU! WAS IT REM?!?!? I TOLD HER NOT TO TELL ANYONE!!!!!  
  
Vash: O.O You've been like this for _THAT_ LONG?!?!  
  
Knives: -covers his face with his hands and runs out of the bar.-  
  
Sephy: Wait Almighty Godly Master...er...Mistress!!! -runs after Knives.-  
  
Legato: -falls into a chair.- All this time...  
  
Monev: We never knew. o.o  
  
Meryl: -twitchtwitchtwitchtwitchtwitchtwitch.-  
  
Wolfwood: I personally think it explains a lot.  
  
Meryl: Wolfwood. Shut up.  
  
Wolfwood: Shutting up.  
  
Millie: What? Why's everyone so upset? I for one am glad that Mr. Knives found his true calling.  
  
Everyone: -falls over.-  
  
A/N: Well? What do you think? The language is a bit stronger. But I think it adds to the funniness. Or maybe I'm just off my rocker. Anyway. Sorry about taking so long to update. I had a tiny writer's block. But the Faerie of Creativity has slapped me with her wand and I'm already working on Chapter 5.


	5. Knives' Secret Alektorophobia

Disclaimer: I've been writing all sorts of letters to Santa. But he STILL won't bring me Trigun or the rights to it. So I'll just have to go beat the crap out of the jolly old man and steal them! Mua ha ha ha! Oh. Don't own Chicken Run either. Nor am I advertising for Calvin Klein.   
  
A/N: Alright. For the benefit of the fangirls, I shall make clear the details on Knives' sex change in this chapter. We'll even see Rem make an appearance! Oh. And I've noticed that I've developed a love for picking on dear old Knivesy-poo.  
  
Knives: Don't call me that.  
  
Okay, Knivesy-poo.  
  
Knives: Call me that again and I'll shoot you.  
  
Okay, Knivesy-poo.  
  
Knives: DAMN YOU WOMAN!  
  
Yes, Knivesy-poo.   
  
Knives: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!  
  
Okay, Knivesy-poo.  
  
Knives: STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT I SAY!!!!!!!!!  
  
As you wish, Knivesy-poo.  
  
Knives:.......  
  
What is it, Knivesy-poo?  
  
Knives: I give up.  
  
n.n I knew you would.  
  
Knives: Gasp. You didn't call me that name!  
  
Knivesy-poo.  
  
Knives: ARGH!!!!  
  
**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties  
  
Chapter 5 - Knives's Secret Alektorophobia   
  
**Wolfwood: I think I need a drink.  
  
Vash: So...all this time...Knives was really my _sister_?!  
  
Legato: O.O -still in shock.-  
  
Mysterious, disembodied,yet familiar voice: No no no, Vash. Knives _was_ your sister. _Now_ he's your _brother_.  
  
Vash: Oh. So he was born a girl?  
  
Voice: Yes.  
  
Vash: Oh. That makes a bit more sense. But why did he do it?  
  
Voice: It was the PMS. He couldn't stand it.   
  
Vash: Oh. Hey, Meryl! Maybe you should get a sex change. I mean, you're PMSy all the time.   
  
Meryl: Right. And then you'd have a **gay** stalker instead of a **straigh**t one.   
  
Vash: O.O Nevermind.   
  
Millie: Stalker? Mr. Vash has a stalker?  
  
Meryl: -coughcoughhackhack.- Nevermind, Millie.  
  
Millie: Okay. -goes back to eating pudding while sitting in Wolfwood's lap.-  
  
Voice: Ahem.   
  
Vash: So...who are you anyway?  
  
Voice: ....  
  
Vash: Are you not going to tell me?   
  
Voice: Moron.  
  
Vash: What? What'd I do? -whines.-  
  
Voice: Grrr....YOU MEAN AFTER 130 YEARS OF WORSHIPPING ME AND DOING NOTHING BUT FOLLOWING MY LOVE AND PEACE CRAP YOU CAN'T RECOGNIZE MY VOICE???? YOU JACKASS! -**THWAP**.-  
  
Vash: ITAI!!!! Rem? Is that you???  
  
Voice: Yes, idiot, it is I, Rem.   
  
Vash: Oh, Rem! Where are you?!?!  
  
Rem: The same place I've been for the past 130 years. Dead. Moron.  
  
Vash: Why are you so cranky all of a sudden?   
  
Rem: Being dead for 130 years doesn't improve a body's mood, especially when your prot‚g‚ is rampaging around this dustball of a planet wreaking havoc whereever he goes and behaving like a bimble chasing anything in a skirt and getting drunk all the time.   
  
Vash: Eh heh heh heh...I wonder who that could be...;   
  
Meryl: -stands on a stepladder and holds a giant flashy neon orange sign with an arrow pointing downwards over Vash's head.-  
  
Vash: -looks up.- AAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
Rem: -twitch.- Uh...I've got to go now. I've got...dead people..things..to do. Right. Yeah. Uh..bye! -POOF.-  
  
Vash: NOOOO! Rem, don't leave me again! Noo!  
  
Wolfwood: He's getting quite annoying.  
  
Meryl: I agree.  
  
Wolfwood & Meryl: -glance at each other conspiratorially.-  
  
Vash: -is suddenly hit on the back of the head with a two by four and knocked unconscious.-  
  
Meryl: Much better.   
  
Sephy comes back in, dragging Master Knives behind her.   
  
Midvalley: Well, look who's back.  
  
Legato: Master?  
  
Knives: Yes Legato?  
  
Legato: Im scared of you.  
  
Knives: ...Will a hot dog help?  
  
Legato: Yes. n.n  
  
Wolfwood: Well if nobody else is going to eat this 47 layer rum cake, I will!   
  
Zazie: Ooh, I want some!  
  
Dominique: Nope. Sorry kid. You have to be at least 8.  
  
Zazie: You suck.  
  
Dominique: I thought I burned those tapes.  
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
Vash: -wakes up.- Ow. What the hell happened?   
  
Authoress: You were knocked out by a two by four, Vash.  
  
Vash: How'd that happen? And who are you?  
  
Authoress: It happened because I said it did. And I am your...hm, well, I can't say I'm your maker, cause then I'd get sued. Let's just say I'm your puppetmaster. cackles evilly  
  
Vash: Puppet master? Huh?   
  
Authoress: Just watch.  
  
Vash: -takes said two by four and repeatedly smacks himself in the face.- Ow! What the crap? Itai!!  
  
Authoress: No more stupid questions. Back to the fic.  
  
Vash: What happened? I don't remember any of the last 2 minutes.  
  
Chapel: Uh...you had a donut overdose?  
  
Vash: Ah. I see. I've done that a lot.   
  
Meryl: Vash..have you ever considered seeing a therapist?  
  
Vash: I did. But he said he had to make an appointment with some other therapist just to handle my problems. o.o  
  
Meryl: Nevermind.  
  
Millie: I'm bored. Can we watch a movie?  
  
Vash: Only if I get to pick!  
  
Wolfwood: Fine. Vash, what do you want to watch?  
  
Vash: -ponders.-  
  
Vash: I know! How about Chicken Run!  
  
Everyone: Yeah. Okay.  
  
Knives: _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_! -suddenly enraged.-  
  
Wolfwood: What, you got something against chickens, Knives?  
  
Knives: No. I just don't want to watch that piece of shit.  
  
Vash: Well too bad. Cause you hafta!  
  
All the windows, doors, and other unmentioned openings that could be described as an exit were suddenly blocked by large steel panels, reinforced by electric fencing.  
  
Knives: -gulp.- Sephy, find a way out of his place, now!  
  
Sephy: I'm sorry master. There is no way out.  
  
Knives: -mutters something unintelligable.-  
  
Suddenly, everything was sucked into the floor and was replaced by a home movie set, with enough seats for everyone present.   
  
Vash: Yay! -grabs a fistfull of popcorn-flavoured donuts from a randomly appearing bowl and stuffs it in his mouth.-  
  
Meryl: Ooh! Randomly appearing coffee! -gulps it down.-  
  
Millie: Ooooh! A pudding dispensor! With 17,000 different flavours!  
  
Wolfwood: Free cigs. Awesome.  
  
Knives: -sits down nervously.-  
  
Legato: What's wrong Master? You look pale, sweaty, your eyes are shifting suspiciously, and your twitching and fidgeting strangely.  
  
Knives: e.e They didn't have to know that Legato. -chains spring up from the chair, imprisoning Knives in the chair.-  
  
Vash: Well that settles. If the metal panneling and electric fencing and chains are any indicators, you're staying for the movie Knives.  
  
Meryl: Shut up. The movie's starting.  
  
(A/N: I haven't seen Chicken Run in a **really long time**. So I can't quote anything from the movie. Screw that. I can't even remember what happened in the movie. x.x So you just get to use your imaginations.)   
  
--------------------------------------Two Hours Later.------------------------------------------------  
  
Vash: That was awesome! I love that movie!  
  
Wolfwood: -grumbles.-  
  
Meryl: -asleep.-  
  
Sephy: Almighty Godly Master? Are you okay?  
  
Legato: You do look a bit pale master.   
  
Knives: -is sitting there curled up in the chair (don't know how he managed this, being tied up), rocking back and forth and muttering wildy while his eyes, which are bugging out of his head, are still staring at the screen.-  
  
Wolfwood: Yo, are you sure you're okay, man?  
  
Knives: .... **O.O**  
  
Millie: Didn't you like the movie Mr. Knives?  
  
Knives: .... **O.O**  
  
Vash: Uh...all the humans are dead?  
  
Knives: .... **O.O  
**  
E.G. Mine: Somehow I don't think he's okay.   
  
Chapel: Maybe we should call a doctor.   
  
---------------------------------------------Half an hour later---------------------------------------------  
  
Doctor: Mr. Stampede, exactly what have you done in the last 3 hours to send Mr. Knives to this state?  
  
Vash: All we did was watch a movie.  
  
Doctor: What movie?  
  
Meryl: Chicken Run.  
  
Doctor: Well, Mr. Vash the Stampede, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but as Mr. Millions Knives' personal doctor, I feel I should tell you because obviously he hasn't.   
  
Vash: What? Is he going to be okay? MY BROTHER ISN'T DYING IS HE???  
  
Doctor: Your brother has an intense case of alektorophobia.   
  
Vash: -blink.- What's that mean?  
  
Meryl: It means he's afraid of chickens, you idiot.   
  
Vash: O.O  
  
Legato: Master? Is this true?  
  
Knives: -has not changed since we last saw him 30 minutes ago.- .... **O.O**  
  
Vash: This is just way too much information to absorb. First, the sex change, and now the chicken fear?! What else hasn't he told me, that he's a male model for Calvin Klein?!?!?  
  
Legato: He tried that once. He said the underwear were too tight.   
  
Vash: ....I didn't really want to know that.  
  
Legato: -shrugs.- You asked. -munches happily on a hot dog.-  
  
Vash: I need a donut. -walks off into the kitchen.-  
  
Wolfwood: So,doc, how long's he gonna be this way? -lights up a cigarette.-  
  
Doctor: I would prefer it if you didn't smoke while I'm here. And, I don't know how long he'll be like this. His case is pretty intense.  
  
Zazie: So what'd the chickens do to make him so afraid of them?  
  
Doctor: I don't know. He's never told me.  
  
Vash: -walking back in with a mouthful of donuts.- Fanks, dofc. Fe'll fake fit from fere.   
  
Doctor: No problem, Mr. Stampede. -leaves.-  
  
Wolfwood: So what are we gonna do about blondie here?  
  
Sephy: Master? Hello? -gets in next to his ear.- HELLO? MASTER? CAN YOU HEAR ME? WAKE UP!!!!!!!  
  
Knives: .... **O.O   
  
**Legato: Master. I want to be your boytoy.   
  
Everyone: **O.O . X.X THE WRONGNESS!  
  
**Knives: .... **_O.O_**  
  
Dominique: Do you think he's making that face because of what Legato said or because he didn't even here him in the first place?  
  
Chapel: Who knows.  
  
Meryl: -twitchtwitchtwitch.- Need more coffee.   
  
Legato: -shrugs.- It was worth a shot.   
  
Vash: o.O I never want to here those exact words in that exact order in the same exact sentence come out of your mouth again.  
  
Millie: Well what are we going to do about Mr. Knives? We can't just leave him here.  
  
Wolfwood: Who says we can't?  
  
Meryl: I have an idea. -goes into some other room and comes back with something behind her back.-  
  
Vash: What? What are you going to do to my brother?  
  
Meryl: He just needs a little sedative. That's all. -evil grin.-  
  
Chapel: I don't like that grin she's got on her face. It smacks of malicious intent.   
  
Meryl: Indeed it does! -cackles maniacally.-  
  
Millie: Sempai, what do you have behind your back?  
  
Meryl: Everyone stand back. -pulls out a giant mallet from behind her back.-  
  
Vash: **MEEP**! O.O Meryl, I promise I will never annoy you again!  
  
Meryl: -grins insanely. rather like Knives.- Here we go! -raises the mallet whilst lightning flashed in the background and suspensful music plays.-  
  
Legato: o.o Don't kill my master.  
  
Meryl: I won't kill him. I'll just give him a light tap on the head. -the expression on her face reveals that she intends to do nothing of the sort.-  
  
Sephy: -closes her eyes and looks away.-  
  
Meryl: -**WHAM**.-  
  
Knives: -slides out of the seat, unconscious.- X.X (A/N: The chains disappeared at some point. They are irrelevant now anyways. Maybe Legato stole them to use them as torture devices or something. Who knows.)   
  
Vash: -wails.- You killed him!  
  
Legato & Sephy: Master!  
  
Knives: -opens his eyes slightly.- Easy..squeezie..lemon..peezie..i.i -faints.-  
  
A/N: Wheee! So what'd you think?   
  
Knives: I hated it. And I hate you. Stupid spider.  
  
-coughcough.- I happen to be the stupid spider that is your puppetmaster. Dance little puppet, dance!  
  
Knives: One of these days...one of these days....   
  
-raises an eyebrow.- Is that so?  
  
Knives: It happens to be so.  
  
Ohhhhh Vaaaaaaasssssshhhh!   
  
Vash: What? Does it involve free donuts??  
  
Why, yes, it does. But only if you...-leans over and whispers in Vash's ear.-  
  
Vash: O.O Ooooooooooh. Okaaaay. C'mere Wolfy!   
  
Wolfwood: Ow. What.  
  
Vash: -whispers something to Wolfwood.-  
  
Wolfwood: =) Oh yes. -hits the button on a randomly appearing stereo.-  
  
Vash & Wolfwood: -do the chicken dance.-  
  
Knives: **_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _**


	6. In Which We Find Out Why Meryl Doesn't D...

Disclaimer: Well. I finally convinced Santa to bring me the rights to Trigun for Christmas. I had to use some of my stronger methods of "persuasion", but in the end, Santa relented. I'm a really bad liar aren't I? Yep. So that means I still don't own Trigun and I still resent Santa for his selfishness.  
  
A/N: In this chapter we will find out why Meryl doesn't drink. Now, you may think it's because she had abusive alcoholic parents, or she likes to remain in control of every situation she's in. Well according to THIS story, those theories, though sensible, are crap. My theory is much more strange and unlikely. That's why it gets it's own chapter. Warning: Extreme OOCness and lack of sanity. You have been warned.   
  
**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties  
  
Chapter 6 - In Which We Find Out Why Meryl Doesn't Drink  
**  
Vash: -stares at the mallet-beaten Knives' unconscious form.- You killed him! My only brother!  
  
Meryl: -rolls her eyes.- He's not dead. If you hurry and get him on life support, he might still survive.  
  
Sephy: Master! Wake up! -gives him CPR and mouth-to-mouth.-  
  
Wolfwood: -prepares a eulogy.-  
  
Legato: -weeps into a soaked hotdog bun.- Master!  
  
Millie: -is casket shopping with a catalog.-  
  
Meryl: e.e He's not dead.  
  
Vash: Meryl. I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you in for the murder of my brother.   
  
Meryl: Vash. Do you want the mallet too?  
  
Vash: No. u.u  
  
Meryl: Then remain silent.   
  
Dominique: Let's just get 'im to the hospital and see what they can do for him.  
  
Legato &Vash: -lift Knives between them and carry him out the door.-  
  
Everyone else: -follows.-  
  
Vash: Man. He weighs a ton. What has he been eating?  
  
Legato: Sadly, Master developed a taste for those little Hostess Cupcakes (A/N: Don't own those either.) and he ate them by the dozen.   
  
Vash: Well he needs to go on a diet. Now. x.X  
  
--------------------------------------------At the Hospital----------------------------------------------  
  
Vash: Is he gonna be okay, Doc? Is he is he is he is heisheisheisheishe????  
  
**WHACK**!  
  
Wolfwood: Thank you Meryl.  
  
Meryl: Hmph.  
  
Doctor: We've got him on life support. He should live. And he should recover from it, physically, in about 2 weeks. Mentally however...  
  
Meryl: -cackle.-  
  
Vash: -glare.-  
  
---------------------------------------------2 Weeks Later----------------------------------------------  
  
Knives: Ugh...my head. Owie.  
  
Vash: KNIVES! YOU'RE ALIVE! -glomp.-  
  
Knives: Itai...x.x  
  
Wolfwood: -pries Vash off with a crowbar.- Dude. You're gonna kill him.  
  
Vash: Aw phooey. No I won't.   
  
Knives: Yes you will. Get off.   
  
Vash: Aw, chickens.  
  
Knives: EEP! -dives under the blankets.-  
  
Vash: -blink.- Oops.  
  
Knives: So what happened? Why does my head feel like it went boom?  
  
Meryl: -snickers.-  
  
Vash: -deathglare.- Shorty over here whacked you with a big hammer.   
  
Meryl: Who you callin' shorty, blondie?! -waves the mallet threateningly.-  
  
Vash: EEP! -dives under the bed.-  
  
Knives: -gulp.- She wacked me with _THAT_?!  
  
Zazie: Yeah. It was funny. You should have heard yourself before you passed out.  
  
Knives: -twitch.- I'm not sure I want to know.  
  
Millie: -bursts through the door on a skateboard.- Mr. Knives! You're awake! Want some pudding?  
  
Knives: o.O No.  
  
Millie: Well too bad! -jams a large spoonful of pudding down Knives' throat.-  
  
Knives: -chokes on the pudding.-  
  
Vash: No! He's dying! -thumps hard on Knives back, sending the spoon zooming across the room and smack dab into Dominique's good eye.-  
  
Dominique: Vash. Run.   
  
Vash: EEP! -runs.-  
  
Millie: Ah. Pudding. Good for the soul!  
  
Wolfwood: -shakes his head.- Whatever you say, Big Girl.  
  
Millie: I have an idea!  
  
Meryl & Wolfwood: No! Don't say it!  
  
Millie: Let's have a party to celebrate Mr. Knives's getting better!  
  
Meryl & Wolfwood: -groan.-  
  
Everyone else: YAY!  
  
----------------------------------------Later That Night, At the Bar-------------------------------------------  
  
Millie: YAY! -has already had 14 beers.-   
  
Meryl: -banging her head on the table.- Nothing good has ever come of these parties.  
  
Vash: -has a tie around his head and is handing them out.- Wheee!  
  
Wolfwood: Midvalley, can I ask you something?  
  
Midvalley: That depends.  
  
Wolfwood: Why do you always wear a pink shirt?  
  
Midvalley: Because Dominique threw in all my white shirts with Knives' pink underwear.  
  
Everyone: .  
  
Knives: Those are not mine! They're....Legato's!  
  
Legato: -gasp.- Master! Everyone knows they're Caine's!  
  
Caine: o.o  
  
Zazie: They are not mine, Caine! Besides. They belong to Vash.  
  
Vash: Nuh uh. My boxers have donuts and Kuroneko-samas on them! They're clearly Wolfwood's!  
  
Wolfwood: ... I don't....  
  
Everyone: -twitch.-  
  
Vash: Ok...so they're not Wolfy's...then they're Millie's!  
  
Millie: Nyuh uh! -hic.- They're -hic.- Meryl's!  
  
Meryl: ...Ok. So they WERE mine. But I'm not the one who put them in, Dominique did!  
  
Dominique: I had detergent in my eye!   
  
Midvalley: Sure. -rolls his eyes.-  
  
Millie: Hey -hic.- Sempai!  
  
Meryl: What?  
  
Millie: Well, you know how Mr. Vash and Mr. Wolfwood and Mr. Knives and Mr. Legato all have Random Crowds of Screaming Fangirls?  
  
Meryl: Yeah...What's that got to do with anything?  
  
Millie: Well how come we don't have any -hic.- Random Crowds of Screaming Fan_boys_?  
  
Meryl: That's a good question Millie! Why don't we?  
  
Vash: Pfffft. -slobbers all over Knives in his drunkeness.- Why would you have any fanboys?  
  
Wolfwood: Hey now, don't insult my Big Girl! Millie, if you want, I'll be in your Random Crowd of Screaming Millie Fanboys.  
  
Millie: YAY! -hic.-  
  
Vash: Okay. Well then why would Shorty have any?  
  
Meryl: -twitch.-  
  
Millie: Why, -hic.- Mr. Vash. Don't -hic.- you know -hic.- what Sempai did -hic.- before she started working -hic.- for Bernardelli?  
  
Vash: -blink.- No. I didn't know she was anything other than an Insurance Girl.  
  
Millie: Well -hic.- she was.  
  
Meryl: Uh..Millie...I don't think they want to know...  
  
Vash: O'course we do! -downs another shot of tequila.- Tell us Big Girl!  
  
Knives: Yes, do tell. I want to know what this evil spider did before chasing my donut of a brother around.  
  
Meryl: No!  
  
Wolfwood: -clamps a hand over Meryl's mouth.-  
  
Midvalley: Tell tell tell!  
  
Dominique: Yeah, c'mon, this might be interesting.  
  
Millie: Awright. -hic.- She faz ah Playboy Bunneh.   
  
Everyone minus Meryl: O.O NO WAY!   
  
Vash: INSURANCE GIRL? A PLAYBOY BUNNY?!?!??! -suddenly sober.-  
  
Knives: IT CANNOT BE! ITS IMPOSSIBLE! THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS ENDING AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ME!  
  
Wolfwood: AND YOU NEVER TOLD US?!?!  
  
Chapel: Sinner!  
  
Monev: Let's see her in the Bunny outfit!  
  
Millie: -hic.- She still keeps -hic.- it in the closet. -giggle.- -hic.-  
  
Guys: -chanting.- Put it on! Put it on! Put it on! Put it on!   
  
Meryl: FINE! -goes back to the hotel/house thingy to change.-  
  
Vash: Woot!  
  
Wolfwood: -gets out a camera.-  
  
Legato: -pulls out a giant tub of hot dogs and sits down on a sofa.-  
  
Knives: -looks around suspiciously, then pulls a Hostess Cupcake out of his pocket and gnaws on it.- (Yes. The plastic is still on it.)   
  
Millie: -drunk to the point of blindness.-   
  
Vash: -somehow manages to make the bar look like the Playboy Mansion.-  
  
Footsteps are heard outside the door.  
  
Vash: Here she comes!  
  
Old guy: -opens the door.-  
  
Everyone: -stares.-  
  
Wolfwood: Uh...Meryl?  
  
Old guy: I'm just going to leave now and pretend I never came here. o.O -leaves.-  
  
Another set of footsteps are heard outside the door.-  
  
Zazie: Probably just another old guy.   
  
Everyone: -returns to what they were doing.-  
  
The door opens.  
  
Knives: Beat it old geezer.  
  
Meryl: AHEM.  
  
Knives: EEP! -drops his Hostess Cupcake.-  
  
Vash: -jaw drops.- **HEL-_LO_**!  
  
Meryl: -all sarcasticy.- Hi.   
  
Wolfwood: -falls out of his chair.-   
  
Legato: -stops chewing mid-hotdog.-  
  
Zazie: O.O Shiny.   
  
Vash: -throws Zazie behind the bar.- You're too young too see this, kid.   
  
Millie: What? What is it? Is Sempai back? I can't see! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Meryl: You have alcohol-induced blindess, Millie. -turns to Vash.- What are you gawking at, needle-noggin?  
  
Vash: -seems to have gone deaf.- OoO  
  
Legato: -falls over sideways on the sofa, still holding the hotdog to his mouth.-  
  
Knives: -momentarily forgetting his cupcake.- Brother! Can you not see what this spider is trying to do to you??  
  
Vash: What? Seduce me? Well it's working.   
  
Knives: No! Don't fall for her evil scheme!   
  
Vash: Too late.  
  
Knives: No! I've lost my brother to that evil conniving spider!  
  
Vash: -grabs Meryl and runs to the nearest door.-  
  
Wolfwood: Tongari, that's a broom closet.  
  
Vash: Screw you. -throws Meryl in then jumps in himself, slamming and locking the door behind him.-  
  
Legato: Well I guess we're playing 7 Minutes in Heaven now.  
  
Knives: -twitch.- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -bangs on the closet door.- VASH! DON'T DO IT! YOU'LL BE LOST FOREVER!  
  
Vash: YOU JUST JEALOUS CUZ YOU AIN'T GETTIN' SUMMA DIS!   
  
Everyone: -twitch.-  
  
Knives: Sephy. Fetch me my sedative.  
  
Sephy: -hands Knives Meryl's giant mallet.-  
  
Knives: -knocks himself out.-  
  
Sephy: Poor master. -drags him over to a couch.-  
  
Legato: Sephy, what are you doing?  
  
Sephy: What any fangirl with common sense would do! Taking advantage of an unconscious bishie!  
  
Wolfwood: -twitch.- Get a room.  
  
Sephy: -does just this.-  
  
Legato: MASTER! -runs after them but ends up running into a wall.- Ow. What the crap?  
  
Midvalley: You slipped on Knives' Hostess Cupcake.  
  
Legato: Good thing it's still in the package. HOLD ON, MASTER, I'M COMING! -runs off down the hall following Sephy.-  
  
Wolfwood: Okay. This isn't fair. Even Knives is getting action. What am I? Chopped liver?  
  
Dominique: Aw. Poor Wolfwood. -cackle.-  
  
Zazie: Yeah, his girlfriend's drunk blind! Ha ha.   
  
Wolfwood: -vein pulses.- I've already got a eulogy written for each of you. All you have to do is die. =)  
  
Zazie:Hah. Whatcha gonna do, whack me with your stupid cross?  
  
Wolfwood: Yes. -**WHACK**.-  
  
Zazie: x.x Ow.  
  
Midvalley: Yeesh, how much does that thing weigh?   
  
Wolfwood: More than enough to kill you with.   
  
Monev: Should we be worried about those noises coming from the closet? o.O  
  
Dominique: Only if the door breaks down.  
  
Monev: Oh...okay.   
  
Closet: Man. I'm used for storing things. Not for _that.  
  
_Everyone: **O.O**  
  
E.G.: Did that closet just talk??  
  
Closet: Yes. Yes I did.   
  
Midvalley: You got a camera in there?  
  
Closet: No.   
  
Dominique: Pervert.   
  
Midvalley: I think 'Nique's jealous because of her lack of recent physical intimacy as well.  
  
Dominique: -twitch.- How'd you know about that?  
  
Midvalley: I've got contacts.  
  
Dominique: -twitch.- STALKER!  
  
Midvalley: No one was supposed to tell you about that.  
  
Dominique: I'm going to kill you!  
  
Midvalley: How about a little tumble first?  
  
Dominique: DIE, HORNY FREAK! -chases him around the room with Meryl's mallet.-  
  
Zazie: So that's why Midvalley drilled a hole through Dominique's bathroom wall?  
  
Dominique: -stops dead.- **WHAT?!?!?!?!?  
  
**Midvalley: Eh heh....heh heh heh...don't kill me! -dives under the sofa.-  
  
Dominique: Oh I won't kill you....I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!  
  
Midvalley: Hoppered! Buddy! HELP ME!  
  
Hoppered: Nope. Sorry pal. You're on yer own.   
  
Vash: -emerges from closet.-   
  
Wolfwood: Woah. Tongari, you look like you just came out of a hurricane.  
  
Vash: Yeah I know. It was great. -twirls around the bar, singing.-  
  
Meryl: -also emerges from the closet.- Ugh. Idiot.You give him a box of donuts he goes nuts.   
  
Wolfwood: **O.O **You mean you and Vash weren't...._**doing it?!??!  
  
**_Meryl: Is that what you thought we were doing? o.O  
  
Wolfwood: Well yeah. The guy threw you in a closet and there were suspicious noises coming from it.  
  
Meryl: I had a box of donuts behind my back. I'd been saving them for myself, but you know Vash. Can smell a donut 5 miles off.  
  
Vash: They were heavenly! n.n  
  
Wolfwood: Aw man. So I guess Knives is the only one gettin' some action tonight.  
  
Vash: **O.O HE _WHAT_?!**  
  
Legato: -walks in, sniffing.-  
  
Millie: What's wrong Mr. Legato? -no longer blind.-  
  
Legato: I was too late...to save the master...  
  
Vash: What do you mean "too late to save the master"??? He's not dead is he??  
  
Legato: No. The poor master has been the victim of an obsessed rabid fangirl. -sniffle.-  
  
Vash: . Poor Knives.  
  
Millie: Hey Bokushi-san.  
  
Wolfwood: What, Big Girl?  
  
Millie: Would you like some sandwiches?  
  
Wolfwood: Yes. Yes I would. Let's go eat your sandwiches upstairs. n.n  
  
Wolfwood & Millie: -go upstairs to "eat sandwiches".-  
  
Meryl: e.e I need a drink.  
  
Vash: -GASP.- But Insurance girl! You never drink!  
  
Meryl: I know. But right now, I really need one. Oi, Dominique, if you can take a break from obliterating Horny Freak over there, get me a beer will ya?  
  
Dominique: -looks up from bashing Midvalley with the mallet.- Sure.  
  
Midvalley: Thank you. x.x  
  
Meryl: Don't thank me yet. I heard the whole conversation from the closet. T.T  
  
Midvalley: IM DOOOOMED!  
  
Vash: That you are.  
  
Dominique: -tosses Meryl a cold one.-  
  
Meryl: Thanks. -downs half the bottle in one gulp.-   
  
Vash: We should have a drinking contest!  
  
Midvalley: Woo!   
  
Legato: I'll join. -sniffle.- I must drown my incompetence in alcohol.   
  
Caine: .....n  
  
Zazie: Ooh! Can I join?  
  
Dominique: What did I tell you kid? You gotta be at least 8.  
  
Zazie: Curse you.  
  
Vash: You gonna join Insurance girl?  
  
Meryl: Might as well. But who's gonna be the ref?  
  
Dominique: I will. But when this is over, you can all sleep where you passed out.  
  
Vash: Alrighty then. Dominique, the alcohol please.  
  
Dominique: -rolls out a giant vat of beer.- Here. -tosses them a bunch of straws.-  
  
E.G.: Wow. That's a lot of booze.   
  
Dominique: The last one standing slash not passed out is the winner. Straws at the ready!  
  
Contestants: -position their straws.-  
  
Dominique: GO!  
  
------------------------------------An Hour Later------------------------------------------------  
  
Vash: I'm gonna be sick. x.x  
  
Midvalley: You've already been sick seven times! -covers his mouth as his face turns green.-  
  
Legato: x.x -passed out on top of the table.-  
  
Zazie: Wow. They've drunk 3/4 of that vat. That's a lot of consumed alcohol. I can't wait till the morning hangovers!  
  
Caine: -hanging over the side of the vat, passed out.-  
  
Zazie: Meryl looks a bit unstable over there.  
  
Dominique: Meryl, are you ok? o.O  
  
Meryl: -is standing on top of a table, laughing like a madman and downing mug after mug of beer.-  
  
Dominique: o.O And you say she never drinks?  
  
Vash: Ne-hic.-ver.  
  
Meryl: -pulls out a black cape from nowhere and puts it on.- BWA HA HA HA! FEAR ME, FOR I AM MONGOOSE WOMAN!  
  
Everyone not passed out: -sweatdrop.-  
  
Millie: -comes running down the stairs, with Wolfwood behing her.-  
  
Wolfwood: You had a drinking contest without me?!?!?  
  
Millie: SHUT UP WOLFWOOD! MR. VASH, HOW COULD YOU LET MERYL DRINK? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHY SHE NEVER DRINKS???  
  
Vash: Um...no. But I can kinda see why now.  
  
Millie: Meryl has a MPD!  
  
Vash: A what?  
  
Millie: A Multiple Personality Disorder! Her other personality only comes out when she drinks. AND THAT IS WHY WE DON'T LET HER DRINK!  
  
Vash: And...exactly what is the other personality like?  
  
Millie: e.e A bloodthirsty supervillain bent on world conquest.  
  
Vash: Well that shouldn't be too much of a problem. She sounds like Knives.  
  
Millie: Oh no, Mr. Vash. This is **MUCH **worse than Mr. Knives.   
  
Knives: Who's worse than me? It's not possible! -enters dressed only in a pair of black boxers that say "I belong to Sephy" on the back.-  
  
Everyone: o.O'   
  
Legato: Master! You're alive!  
  
Knives: No thanks to you. e.e  
  
Millie: AHEM. This Meryl is not just bloodthirsty and evil. She's also mentally unstable and thinks she has superpowers. Also, nothing she says makes any sense. And she'll be this way until she gets sober again.   
  
Meryl: CEASE KNAVE! YOU SHALL BE MY LOBSTER SLAVE ON THE BACK OF MONKEYBALOO! COME! WE MUST FEAST UPON THE REMAINS OF THE CHICKENS!  
  
Knives: CHICKENS?!?!? LEGATO, SAVE ME!  
  
Meryl: YOU! -points at Legato, who blinks nervously.- YOU ARE MY FAITHFUL STEED, FRANKENMOOSE, WHO DRIVES MY SLEIGH OF SUPREME DARKNESS ACROSS THE HEAVENS OF THE SOUTH POLE!  
  
Legato: **O.O I AM?!?!?**  
  
Meryl: -dives into the vat of beer headfirst.-  
  
Millie: No! We've got to get her away from all forms of alcohol!  
  
E.G.: Hide the rum cake!  
  
Wolfwood: No need. I ate it all. n.n  
  
Vash: -twitch.- I thought she was scary before...  
  
Meryl: MWA HA HA! THE HOLY BREW OF THE MARSHMALLOW GODS! SPEAK TO ME ALL MIGHTY MARSHMALLOW! I SHALL DO THY BIDDING!  
  
Wolfwood: -drags Meryl out of the vat.- Out you go Shorty.   
  
Meryl: I SHALL COMPLETE THE SACRED QUEST TO DOMINATE THE PLANET GUNSMOKE USING THE POWER OF POPSICLES!  
  
Zazie: Not my popsicles!  
  
Knives: -sneaks off unnoticed to go eat more Hostess Cupcakes.-  
  
Sephy: -appears in front of Knives dressed as a dominatrix holding a whip in her hand.- And just where do you think you're going Master?  
  
Knives: Eep!  
  
Millie: We have to find some way to get her unconscious!  
  
Wolfwood: How?!?!  
  
Vash: I've got it! The mallet!  
  
Dominique: Here! -tosses the mallet to Vash.-  
  
Vash: Are you kidding?!?! If she finds out about this she'll kill me!  
  
Dominique: We won't tell, now just do it!  
  
Vash: Oh okay. Wolfwood, hold her down!  
  
Wolfwood: That's slightly difficult!  
  
Meryl: -is thrashing around ranting about marshmallows and world domination.-  
  
Vash: -squeezes his eyes shut.- _Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme_.... -**WHAM**.-  
  
Meryl: -out like a light.- X.X  
  
Millie: Now, Mr. Vash. Have we learned a lesson?  
  
Vash: -looks down at the floor.- Yes ma'am.   
  
Millie: And what would that be?  
  
Vash: Never ever ever ever let Meryl even think about looking at a single drop of alcohol ever.  
  
Millie: Good boy. -takes out her stungun.- -**BOOM**.-  
  
Vash: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! -goes flying out the window.- What was that for??  
  
Millie: Because, you, Mr. Vash, are an **idiot**.   
  
Wolfwood: Here here!  
  
------------------------------------------The Next Morning---------------------------------------------  
  
Meryl: -wakes up.- Uggghhh. My head...-blinks and looks down.- Why the hell am I wearing a straightjacket?? And why is there a gigantic lump on my head?   
  
Vash: -outside Meryl's room, which is padlocked and barricaded from the outside.- _Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme_....  
  
Meryl: **_VVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**  
  
Vash: U.U I'm doomed.   
  
Wolfwood: As long as that straightjacket holds, you're safe.  
  
Vash: Meaning not very long.  
  
Wolfwood: Yep. So whatever happened to Knives?  
  
Vash: He ran into Sephy while trying to sneak a cupcake.  
  
Wolfwood: I see. So where is he now?  
  
Vash: Chained to the bed, screaming for help.  
  
Wolfwood: Is Legato not going to help him?  
  
Vash: He's still contemplating his role as Meryl's evil steed, Frankenmoose.   
  
Wolfwood: Oh.   
  
A/N: Woot! That was my favorite chapter so far. It was incredibly stupid, but oh well. You were warned, so you can't sue me for overlarge amounts of stupidity. I own Frankenmoose and the cape that Meryl wore, which said 'Feared One' on the back. But I didn't mention that. But anywhoo. I need reviews. Makes my day all fuzzy and special and stuffs. Makes me want to write more. And no, Knives, you can't review.  
  
Knives: Screw you, woman! Why did I have to be the victim in this chapter?  
  
Because. I enjoy tormenting you.  
  
Knives: So I've noticed. But geeze! I was unconscious! It was clearly nonconsentual.   
  
Not my problem. You're the one who wanted the sedative.  
  
Knives: Not like I didn't need it.  
  
Alright Knivesy-poo. Quiet time now. Go take your afternoon nap.  
  
Knives: -grumbles as he curles up on his mat.-  
  
Good Knivesy-poo. n.n

Oh.P.S. I'll be going away for a week so I won't be able to update. Sorrehs.


	7. Anger Management

Yo. I am _reeeeallllllllllyyyy _sorry about not updating in forever. But I had to go to New York for a week, and my grandma died while we were there, then the day after I got back I had band camp for a week and then the day after band camp got out we went on vacation to the other side of the side and the day after we got back from that school started,plus I just started a new Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic, so as you can see, I have been nowhere near a computer. Wait..yeah I have. I'm just a really bad procrastinator. Now, you're more than likely saying, "Screw your excuses,woman! I want more story!" Well, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Trigun. Whoever thinks this is erroneous.

**Random Conspiraces and Bar Parties**

**Chapter 7 - Anger Management**

The sounds of fabric ripping are heard from behind a door that is chained, super-glued, clay-in-the-hinges,has a bookcase in front of it, along with a gigantic heavy vault, shut.

Vash: She's escaping. O.O I'M **_DOOMED!_**

Wolfwood: Sure are, mate. -takes a drag of his cigarette.-

Vash: o.O What's with the Austrailian accent?

Wolfwood: What are you talking about? -eating vegamite.-

Vash: Wolfwood, have you been trying to quite smoking again?

Wolfwood: Over my dead body. -dips his cigarette into the vegamite and licks it off.-

Vash: That's gross.

Rabid snarls are heard from behind the door.

Vash:...Wolfwood?

Wolfwood: Yeah?

Vash: Please tell me you didn't leave the mallet in there with her.

Wolfwood: O.O

Vash: O.O YOU DID?!?!??!

Meryl: OOOOOOOH VVVVAAAAAAAAASSSSHIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! -the door, bookcase, and vault begin to rattle.-

Vash: SCAREH! SCAREH! HELLLLLLLPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Knives: -from room down the hall.- HELP YOU?!??! HELP ME FOR KAMI'S SAKE!

Vash: -runs into Knives' room and dives under the bed.-

Sephy: -enters the room.- Okay Master. Time for your..."punishment". -evil wicked grin.-

Knives: NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE NO!

A few minutes later...

Vash: -still under the bed.- O.O I'm scarred.

Meanwhile...

Wolfwood: -stares at the door.- She's almost got halfway through the vault by now. . I should go prepare Vash's eulogy. -runs off to the living room.-

-----------------------------Inside the Bedroom-------------------------------

Meryl: -not just a few veins are pulsing in her temple, her eyes are bugging out, her face is beat red, in one hand is her giant mallet and in the other is a giant chainsaw.- ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

------------------------------In the Kitchen-----------------------------------------

Millie: -eating a 4 gallon sized tub of pudding.-

Dominique: Millie...I think you've had enough pudding.

Millie: -growls and foams at the mouth.-

Zazie: -walks in.- Oooh, pudding! Can I have some?

Millie: -smacks Zazie in the face with a metal pipe.-

Zazie: . My face is squished.

Midvalley: Looks better that way.

Zazie: -takes said pipe and bashes Midvalley with it.-

Midvalley: Brat. Now Im covered in garbage. This means war.

Zazie: Bring it, horny freak!

Midvalley: -throws a rabid Kuroneko at Zazie.-

Zazie: -runs away screaming, with the rabid cat still clawing at his face.- I'LL GET YOU PINKIE!!!!!

Dominique: Asshole.

Midvalley: Aw, 'Nique, you don't mean that.

Dominique: -picks up an opened bottle of nail polish and dumps it over his head.-

Midvalley: .....

Millie: -looks up from her pudding.- Fire engine red is so his color.

Dominique: -folds her arms over her chest.- I agree. It brings out the pink of his shirt.

Midvalley: -face turning very red now.-

Dominique: Oh look! It's giving him streaks! Even better!

Midvalley: -shaking.-

Millie: He looks 10 years younger. n.n

Midvalley: .......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! -goes running from the room tearing his hair out.-

Dominique: Wonder what his problem is.

Millie: -shrugs and goes back to her pudding.-

Dominique: Oh, and remind me to make him buy me a new bottle of nail polish later.

----------------------------------Outside Meryl's Prison....er...Bedroom-------------------------------------

Vash, Knives, Legato, and Wolfwood: -staring at the almost annihilated vault.-

Knives: -twitch.-

Vash: I AM SO FRICKING DOOMED! _Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkill--_

Meryl: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL VASH! -the sounds of a chainsaw cutting through (insert name of metal that makes vaults here) viciously.-

Wolfwood: Here, man. -hands Vash a donut.- One last one before you go.

Vash: -.- Well you're a real cheerleader.

Wolfwood: Hey, not my job.

Meryl: -tears through the remainder of the vault with her chainsaw of doom.- I'VE GOT YOU NOW VASH THE STAMPEDE! -charges at him.-

Vash: -jumps behind Knives.- SAVE ME!

Knives: Screw you. -throws him at Meryl.-

Meryl: YOU'RE TIME HAS CO-- -trips over something and falls face first on the ground.-

Knives: BWA HA HA HA!

Kuroneko: Mrow.

Meryl -vein pulsing erratically.- DAMN YOU CAT! COME HERE AND LET ME RIP YOUR LIVER OUT! -dives at Kuroneko.-

Kuroneko: -POOF.-

Meryl: -stops dead.- BLAST YOU CAT! WHERE DID YOU GO??

Vash: O.O Did you see that??

Knives: He disappeared! Poofity! Poofness! Poofifity! Pooflufferness! Poof--

**BANG.**

Vash & Wolfwood:Thank you. T.T'

Knives: x.x

Legato: -.- Master, you really must stop provoking the Evil One into hitting you with her almighty giant war hammer.

Meryl: -twitches spasmodically.- "Evil One"?

Legato: ..; Pleasespareme!

Meryl: -insanely evil Knives-like grin.- Yes. I shall spare you. And you shall call me "Evil One".

Vash: -stares at Knives then stares at Meryl.- I think they've switched brains. Kami save us.

Wolfwood: -smoking three cigs at once.- o.O -twitching.-

Vash: Uh...Wolfwood? Should you really be smoking all those at the same time?

Wolfwood: IT'S FOR THE STRESS, DAMNIT, THE STRESS I TELL YOU! -one eye is bulging out of his head.-

Vash & Legato: o.O;

Wolfwood: -is adding more cigs in his mouth and lighting them.-

Vash: Okay. Seriously. That amount is way bad for you. You should stop now.

Wolfwood: -by now both eyes are bulging out of his head and he has about 15 cigarettes in his mouth.- THEY RELIEVE THE STRESS I TELL YOU! THE MORE NICOTINE, THE LESS STRESS! WHEEEE! SEE! I'M HAPPY AS A BIRD!

Legato: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP MAN!

Meryl: -pokes Wolfwood.-

Wolfwood: -falls over unconscious.-

Vash: I think I'll just go hide these somewhere. -steals Wolfy's cigs and dumps them somewhere.-

Legato: -drags Knives off to shock him back into consciousness with one of those electic zappy gun things.-

Meryl: -still standing there, grinning maniaclly.-

----------------------------Later, In the Kitchen-----------------------------

Dominique: -glaring at a nail polish-covered Midvalley, mutilated-by-claw-faced Zazie, and unconscious smoke stinky Wolfwood, a hysterically laughing Knives, a still maniaclly-grinning Meryl, and a pudding infested Millie.- Alright people. We have to have some order in this household.

Knives: Why the hell are we all living together anyway?

Everyone: ....o.o

Vash: I...don't...know....

Dominique: Who cares.We ne--

Knives: I happen to care. I want to know why I, the superiorist of beings on the planet of Gunsmoke, have to live with my idiot brother and his twisted, insane, multiple personalitied, sadistic, abusive, and quite frankly dumb friends in the same house. And even if for some reason I should have to live with said brother and said friends, we should be living in an evil lair. Not some 4 room shack.

Dominique: Knives.

Knives: What?

Dominique: SHUT UP! -**BOOM.-**

Knives: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND GIANT HAMMERS?! -falls to the floor unconscious again.-

Dominique: Now. -voice dripping with sarcastic sweetness.- I have a plan that shall allow me to get 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

Everyone: -blink.-

Dominique: It's two words. Can anyone guess it?

Vash: Salmon?

Dominique: -.- No. Not salmon. Salmon is one word.

Millie: Chocolate pudding? -bounces up and down.-

Dominique: No.

Zazie: Sand worms?

Midvalley: Revenge?

Wolfwood: Cigarettes?

Meryl: Vash's demise?

Dominique: NO NO AND NO! Well, maybe Vash's demise would get us quite a bit of peace and quiet, but NO!

Vash: Hey!

Dominique: IT'S CALLED ANGER MANAGEMENT PEOPLE!

Zazie,Midvalley,Knives,Meryl,Wolfwood, and Millie: O.O NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dominique: Yes. In fact, I've already called the psychiatrist. So you can kiss your anger goodbye.

---------------------------An Hour Later---------------------------------

DING DONG

Knives: WHO'S DAMN BLASTED IDEA WAS IT TO PUT AN AMPLIFIER ON THE DOORBELL?!?!?!

Meryl: Mine.

Knives: WRETCHED SPIDER I SHALL KILL--

Meryl: Chickens.

Knives: NOOOOOO! -dives under the couch.-

DING DONG

Dominique: I'll get it. n.n

Wolfwood: We're doomed.

Dominique: Zazie, Midvalley, Wolfwood, Meryl, Millie, I'd like you to meet your new anger management counselor.

A girl with bright blue hair wearing a pink kimono and carrying an oar waves energetically at them.

(A/N: Yes, people. That is Botan from YYH. No, this is not technically a crossover since it's just Botan, but she will make some comments on some of the other YYH characters. That is all.)

Dominique: Everyone, this is Botan.

Botan: Hello everyone! -giggles.-

Knives: Oh God no. O.O

Botan: Now is that anyway to talk to your new best friend and confidant?

Knives: No. But it **_is_** the way to talk to the person I'm about to annihilate.

Botan: -frowns.- I can already tell your genocidal and misunderstood. How does that make you feel?

Knives: -clears his throat.- It makes me feel empowered and only reinforces my belief that all spiders should die. T.T

Botan: See? We're already making progress, even though it's in the entirely wrong direction. n.n

Knives: e.e

Botan: -turns to Millie.- What's your problem dear?

Millie: I like pudding. n.n

Botan: Ah. An addiction. I see.

Millie: Yup. n.n

Botan: And what about you? -turns to Wolfwood.-

Wolfwood: I have no problem.

Botan: Come now, dearie, I'm getting paid to do this so just tell me what's wrong with you. There's no need to be steeped in denial.

Wolfwood: I am **NOT** in denial.

Vash: I'll tell you. He smokes entirely too much.

Wolfwood: STRESS, DAMNIT, STRESS! o.O -suddenly has 4 cigarettes in his mouth.-

Botan: -gasps.- Oh my. This one will need serious work.

Vash: We agreed on that a long time ago. u.u

Botan: And what about you?

Meryl: -twitch.- I dislike him. -points to Vash.- Intensly. Yes. Yes I do. He's out to kill me. I know it.

Botan: -twitch.- Uh...why don't we work on you first?

Meryl: -twitches and shrugs.-

-----------------------A Few Minutes Later, In One of the Back Rooms---------------------------------

Botan: There now. -wiggles around on an extremely squishy beanbag chair.-

Meryl: -surrounds herself by dozens of beanbag chais, creating a fortress.-

Botan: -sweatdrops.- Uh..okay. Why don't you start by telling me about yourself?

Meryl: I hate Vash.

Botan: I think we've established that. Now what else can you tell me?

--------------A few hours later--------------

Meryl: -is crying on Botan's shoulder.- He...he...he took my dolly!

Botan: -thinking.- And we're only **_halfway_** through her childhood??!?!?

--------------Yet Another Few Hours Later---------------

Botan: And so that's how you met Vash the Stampede and were nearly killed in the process? What a lovely story!

Meryl: T.T And how is it lovely? The man is a donut-loving, skirt-chasing, bad-guy-mauling-but-not-killing, blond-spikey-haired....

Botan: I know what your problem is. And there's a simple solution to it.

Meryl: You do?? Really??? O.O Tell me for it is imperitive to my sanity!!!!

Botan: -twitch.- Simple. You're in love. With Vash the Stampede.

-On the Other Side of the Planet-

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!**

Some Random Guy:What the crap?!

-Back in the room-

Botan: X.X

Meryl: . O.O X.X T.T IT......CANNOT....BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Botan: Uh..Meryl...I think we're done for today. Why don't you send Wolfwood in?

Meryl: -shuffles out of the room, still twitching spasmodically.-

Botan: -falls over, sighing exasperatedly.- What a weird woman.

Wolfwood: -walks in, humming "It's a Small World".-

Botan: o.O

Wolfwood: -lighting a cigarette.- So, how ya doin' doll?

Botan: -coughcough.- Er...yes. Fine. Could you please not smoke?

Wolfwood: Could you please not breathe?

Botan: -sets Wolfwood's hair on fire.-

Wolfwood: My head's on fire.

Botan: .............

Wolfwood: ................

Botan: ................

Wolfwood: .............

Botan: ..................

Wolfwood:................

Botan: ............

Wolfwood: .............. **MY HEAD'S ON FIRE! **-runs around the room screaming, setting everything on fire with his head.-

(A/N: I do not own that scene. It comes from a video made by some dude about the adventures of Cactuar and Tonberry from the FF saga thingy.It's called Gil Quest. But It's so fricking hilarious. Anyway. Just needed to point that out. Oh. I also don't own Botan or Yu Yu. So there.)

Botan: -.-;

Wolfwood: -runs around for the next few minutes, screaming.-

Botan: ARE YOU DONE YET?????????

Wolfwood: Yes. -calmly sits down on a beanbag and lights another cigarette.-

Botan: Ok. Why don't you explain to me why you smoke so much.

Wolfwood: Because the doctor told me to. It's for stress. Do you realize how much stress one can suffer from when hanging around Needle Noggin?

Botan: The doctor...told...you to? WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR DO YOU GO TO, ANYWAY?

Wolfwood: A gynecologist.

Botan: O.O -dies.-

Wolfwood: Whoo! No more anger management!

Botan: -pops back to life.- You are disgusting! You sick pervert! Ew! You're just like Yusuke!

Wolfwood: o.O What did I do? And what's this "Yoosookay?"

Botan: -whaps him over the head with her oar.- Just get out, pervert!

Wolfwood: Ow! Okay okay! Yeesh. First Shorty then you. Damned violent women!

Botan: And send Millie in.

Wolfwood: -muttering.- Evil blue-haired overlord.

Botan: Thank you. n.n

Wolfwood: -leaves.-

Botan: My my. These people are severely lacking in sanity. They make everyone back home look pure and innocent.

Millie: -bounces in on one of those bouncy ball thingies for little kids.- HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Botan: . Hi.

Millie: -takes out a jug of pudding and begins to drink from it.-

Botan: O.O Do you enjoy eating pudding?

Millie: -stands up and places her hand over her heart.- My very life, my soul, my heart and body are dedicated to the betterment of the pudding.

Botan:Oh my. Well, can you tell me why you're angry?

Millie: I'm not angry. I just don't like it when people try to take my pudding.

Botan: Oh....is that it?

Millie: Yep.

Botan: Oh...ok. You can go.

Millie: But I just got here.

Botan: I know. But we're done. So you can go.

Millie: You know Botan....I think you're really hot.

Botan: O.O X.X . EWWWWWWWW! I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!

Millie: -gasp.- Ew! You're gross! You tried to come on to me!

Botan: What the HELL are you talking about? You were the one hitting on me!

Millie: You're doing it again! Ew!

Botan: You crazy sicko! You were coming on to me!

Millie: HELP! RAPE! RAPE!

Botan: Stop it you crazy psycho! . 

Millie: -goes running from the room.-

Botan: Good Lord. That woman is deranged!

Zazie: -walks in wearing Kuroneko on his head.- What the crap was that about?

Botan: Nothing! Hello, little boy. Why, aren't you cute?

Zazie: Hey babe. Wanna spend tonight with the Zazster?

Botan: O.O WHAT THE FU....FUDGE??? WHAT ARE YOU, 6 YEARS OLD???

Zazie: e.e I'm 6 1/2.

Botan: Enma-sama almighty, I'm being hit on by a 6 year old.

Zazie: 6 1/2. So waddaya say?

Botan: No. I've got other plans.

Zazie: Got a sister? Friends?

Botan: o.O No.

Zazie: Boy are you a loser.

Botan: -bursts into tears.- I don't like you!

Zazie: Does that mean you'll sleep with me?

Botan: NO DAMN YOU NO!

----------------------Back In the Other Room------------------

Wolfwood: -has realized he is bald and is crying.-

Meryl: -is hitting herself in the head with her mallet.-

Millie: -chugging pudding by the tub and explaining how Botan was hitting on her to Midvalley.-

Midvalley: -twitching.-

Knives: -plotting Botan's demise.-

Vash: -has absolutely no idea what is going on.-

Dominique: -grinning.- I think the therapy is working!

A frustrated scream is heard down the hall.

Botan: -stomps into the room, with Zazie hanging off her leg, making a suspicious gyrating motion.-

Everyone: O.O Ew.

Botan: -stomps over to Dominique.- I QUIT! DO YOU HEAR ME! QUIT! Q-U-I QUIT! -grabs Zazie and throws him across the room.-

Dominique: Why, whatever is the problem? Everything seems to be going just fine!

Botan: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?? YOU ARE DERANGED! INSANE! DEFORMED! PERVERTED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! -takes off on her oar and zooms off. Probably back to her own world.-

Midvalley: Phew. I thought I was going to actually have to go in there with her.

Dominique: -twitching.- Oh well. At least she didn't ask for her check. Guess I'll just have to find someone else.

Everyone: NO!

And that, my friends, is how Dominique ended up hog-tied in the closet.

A/N: So sorry that took forever. I'm an ass. So forgive me. Im a procrastinator, but as above I've explained my other reasons. Poor Botan. I think killing her would have been kinder. I don't think she'll ever be the same. Hm...I can just see it...Anyways. Lemme know what you think. Must have daily intake of reviews to survive.


	8. When Gunsmoke Freezes Over

-glomps every single one of her lovely lovely reviewers.- I lurve you all! Such wonderful peoples. n.n After I read your wonderful reviews I jumped up and down in giddiness and ran about the house the rest of the night acting extremely childish and hyper and happy. And yes, Tasuki No Miko4, I am quite insane. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you as much. However, the depth of my insanity you may never know.

Whee. Writing that last chapter was fun. Oh, and I didn't mean to insinuate that Millie's a lesbian. In case any of you thought that. I was just out of my mind with boredom and thought that would be funny. Of course, like I said before, I'm probably off my rocker. Anyways. Once again the faerie of creativity has slapped me with her wand (I should really get a restraining order against that skank, lol) and I'm off my writer's block. If you want some angst, go check out my Yu Yu story, "You Can't See Me". I'm working on chapter 2, but I'm a lazy buthead and my inspiration for this chapter came first. So bleh. Here we go.

**Disclaimer:** Things I don't own: The Trigun cast, Gunsmoke, the expression "When Hell Freezes Over", Kuroneko, and Santa Clause.

Things I do own: My soul. Wait. No. Inuyasha stole it, and in turn it was stolen by Hiei who keeps it in a jar at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. So there.

**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties**

**Chapter 8 - When Gunsmoke Freezes Over**

Midvalley: Well. That takes care of that.

Knives: Phew. Thank Rem. That woman was insanely annoying.

Everyone: o.O

Knives: What? O.o

Vash: You just said "Thank Rem". o.O

Knives: No I didn't. O.o

Vash: Yes. I believe you did. o.O

Knives: I believe you are mistaken, dear brother.

Vash: Well I believe I'm not, dear _sister._

Knives: -twitch.- What did you say?

Vash: Sister. Mua ha ha ha ha.

Knives: Take that back.

Vash: Sistersistersistersistersistersistersister!!!!!!!!!

Knives: TAKE THAT BACK YOU BASTARD!

Vash: Hmm......no.

Knives: That's it. Legato!

Legato: Yes, Mis...Master?

Knives: Call in the mafia.

Legato: There are no mafias on Gunsmoke, Master.

Knives: Then call in the town mob.

Legato: They're all asleep,Master. It's 3 A.M.

Knives: Fine then. I didn't want to have to resort to this but...

Legato: No Master! Anything but that!

Knives: u.u I'm afraid it must be done. For I must have revenge on Vash.

Vash: o.o

Legato: Reconsider!

Knives: Legato,call in....the Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls.

Vash: O.O Not that ! Please not that!

Legato: -gulps and pulls out a megaphone.- CALLING ALL MEMBERS OF THE Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls! PLEASE REPORT TO MASTER KNIVES' CURRENT LOCATION POST-HASTE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS **NOT** A DRILL!

_A very large mob of screaming fangirls comes charging into the house, knocking over most of the walls._

Vash: O.O -faints.-

Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls: ALL HAIL THE MASTER! WE HEAR AND OBEY!

Knives: MUA HA HA HA HA! DO YOU FEAR ME,BROTHER?

Vash: Knives....

Knives: -.- What.

Vash: Why are all the members of your Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls wearing "I Love Legato" t-shirts?

Legato: -whistles innocently and twiddles thumbs.-

Knives: DAMNIT LEGATO! YOU CALLED IN THE RANDOM CROWD OF SCREAMING _LEGATO_ FANGIRLS!

Legato: It's not my fault that they're attracted to the sound of my voice. u.u

Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls: Well it's not our fault that you confused us with YOUR stupid fangirls.

Knives: -twitch.-

Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls: -come blasting in riding in a legion of tanks.- WHO YOU CALLIN' STUPID, HOES?

_And thus another monumental Fangirl war ensued, in which many fangirls were yet again killed. Only this time the almighty authoress did not smite them. She merely passed out popcorn and sold tickets. _

Vash: That's disturbing. x.x

Wolfwood: I agree.

Midvalley: -filming.- Whoo! Rip those shirts off! Show daddy some action!

Dominique: YOU STUPID ASSOHOLIC PERVERT! -grabs Meryl's mallet and thwams the Hornfreak with it several times.-

E.G.: Someone should really plan a funeral for him.

Chapel: I'll write the eulogy.

Meryl: I'll get the flowers.

Millie: I'll cater. n.n

Everyone: T.T

Midvalley: I'm not dead yet.

Dominique: NOT YET YOU'RE NOT! -continues to pulverize Middie with the mallet.-

_Several hours later, after the war was over (Fangirl wars are notoriously short), and Dominique had completed mutilating Midvalley to her satisfaction, the Vash's Awesomely Awesome Band of Heroes (as Vash liked them to be known) and Knives and his Gung-Ho Guns were (guess) sitting in the several-times-over-destroyed-and-rebuilt bar drinking beer and coffee, smoking ,eating pudding, and doing other such activies. I'll let you decide who one the war. I'm not stupid enough to choose sides. _

((A/N: We interrupt this insane fanfiction for an important Author's Note. I think it is vaguely obvious by now that Sephy is the President of the Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls. However, I would like to introduce the new Grand Pooba of the Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls, my bestest best friendy friend, Hilary, affectionately known as Lary-chan. If anyone else would like to be the head of a Random Crows of Some Male Trigun Character Fangirls, please submit an application via review and let me know the title you wish to use (like Dictator, Ruler, Queen, Big Cheese, etc.). And now, back to the fanfiction.))

-------------------------------In the Bar-----------------------------

Vash: Celebrate good times, come on! -dancing around drunkenly on top of the table with the customary tie around his head.- (A/N: Don't own that song either.)

Wolfwood: BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE! -also incredibly drunk.-

Meryl: o.O

Wolfwood: BEHOLD IT I SAY! BEHOLD IT DAMN YOU! -points at the wall.-

Vash: -falls off the table and lands right on top of Meryl.-

Meryl: EEP! -still twitchy after her Botan-induced revelation.-

Wolfwood: HEY EVERYBODY! LOOK! VASH AND SHORT ARE GETTIN' IT ON! WHOO! IT'S GETTIN' HOT IN HERE!

MIdvalley: SEX? WHERE??

Dominique: -granbs Zazie.- This is not for your delicate eyes, kid.

Zazie: Lemme go! I wanna see! I wanna SEE!

Dominique: -throws Zazie out the window.-

Knives: I refuse to allow my brother to be the only one to get laid. Therefore..-jumps on top of Vash and Meryl.-

Dominique: OOh! Twincest!

Everyone: OO;;

Vash: XX;;

Meryl: ..............................**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Everyone: Ow. My eardrums. x.x

Meryl: GET IT OFF! GET **IT **OFF! GET IT **_OFF!_**

Millie: Hey! What about me? Why's everyone paying attention to Meryl and not me?

Dominique: Because, hon, Meryl is being offered the chance to sleep with the two sexiest beings on this entire dustball of a planet.

Legato: I resent that. T.T

Hilary: Indeed he does! -pouts and puts her hands on her hips.-

Legato: -blink.- Who are you?

Hilary: -coughs and puts on "Im-about-to-say-something-important" voice.- I, Hilary, by the official order of the Authoress of Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties, have been declared the Grand Pooba of the Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls. In stupid terms, it means I'm your obediant slave!

Legato: O.O FRICKIN' AWESOME! HA! -points at Knives.- You are no longer the only one with a worshipping slave! Fear me! BWA HA HA!

Knives: You know, you are really OOC right now. You should be sued.

Hilary: -shoves a knife up Knives's nose.- Stick a sock in it, Utensil Boy.

Knives: -.- That is so wrong.

Sephy: Almighty Godly Master! Are you alright? -checks his vital signs.-

Knives: Yes. And you don't need to check my vital signs there. o.O

Everyone: -twich.-

Hilary: And anyway, I think Spork would be a much better name for you. Yes. Spork. I like Spork. From now own, you shall be referred to as Spork.

Knives: I think not.

HIlary: I think so.

Knives: I think not.

Hilary: Well I happen to think so. Therefore, I win. So nyah. -sticks her tongue out at him.-

Knives: -pulls the knife out of his nose and chucks it at her head.-

Hilary: Oh, so it's war you want, is it? Well bring it on, Spork!

((A/N: In case you were wondering, yes, this is how she really acts. Except for sticking knives up people's noses. But everything else she actually would say and do stuff like that. Fun, no?))

_But right then, the Authoress, with her mighty powers of omnipotentness, stopped the oncoming war. By forcing Knives to mop the entire bar._

Knives: DAMN YOU WOMAN! WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO MOP A 47 FLOOR BAR AND SHE HAS TO DO NOTHING?

Because she's my friend, and you're Knivesy-poo.

Knives: I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL MUTILATE, NO, ANNIHILATE YOU!

Sure you will.

Knives: Oh yes. I shall have my revenge.

If you can stop picking your nose long enough to do it.

Knives: Huh? -his finger moves of its own accord and begins to pick Knivesy-poo's nose.-

Everyone: OO;; BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Knives: -sobs.- I hate you! I hate you all! -still picking his nose.- I will destroy you and omnipotentness!

When Gunsmoke freezes over, Knivesy-poo.

_Too late, the authoress realized what she said. With those simple words, the dustball planet of Gunsmoke became a Winter Wonderland. _

Uh.....oops?

Meryl: Oops? OOPS? **_OOPS?_** IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!?!? OOPS? YOU FROZE THE DAMN PLANET! AND DO YOU THINK ONE SINGLE PERSON ON GUNSMOKE OWNS A WINTER JACKET?!?! I THINK NOT?!?!

Uh..yeah. Sorry about that. This make time to undo. You might want to rename the planet in the meantime. Somehow Gunsmoke just doesn't suit it anymore. Bye bye.

Vash: So. What are we gonna do now?

Wolfwood: Figures. He's the only one with a jacket to keep him warm. -turning blue from the cold.-

Millie: -cuddles up to Wolfwood.- My pudding's frozen!

Knives: You have no idea how cold an extremely tight space suit is. Plus, now my finger's frozen in my nose. This seriously blows.

Hilary: -cuddling up in the warmth of Legato's cape.- Fwee. n.n

Legato: MY HOTDOGS! THEY'RE FROZEN! -takes a bite.- Hmm...not bad.

Vash: Well I'm not cold. But seeing as how the rest of you are, -uses his gun to shoot an oil lamp and start a fire.- We're saved

Dominique: Yeah, but what about food?

Midvalley: Well, we could always survive off of sex. -inches closer to Dominique.-

Dominique: How about not?

Meryl: I think the men should organize a carabu hunt.

Wolfwood: What the hell is a carabu? Is it a brand of cigarrette?

Meryl: No. It's an animal. We can eat them for food.

Vash: YOU EXPECT ME TO KILL AN INNOCENT ANIMAL JUST SO YOU CAN GET FAT OFF OF IT?!?!?

Meryl: No. I expect you to kill an innocent animal SO WE CAN ALL SURVIVE!

Wolfwood: WOOT! -pulls out the Punisher.-

Legato: I shall use my mind powers to locate these beasts.

Hilary: And I'll come with you! n.n

Knives: Sephy, shine my revolver. We're going hunting.

Woo! Fear the Gunsmokian Ice Age! I promise there's more iciness coming ahead after these commercial messages. But first, please send a word to our sponsers to let us know what you think. Thank you for participating in the Carabu Hunt 2004.


	9. Knivesypoo's Request

Ok. This can't really be considered a chapter . But dear old Knivesy-poo wanted to discuss something with me, so we'll just bear with his lack of sanity.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Knives. But his contract with my story belongs to me. So ha.

**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties**

**Chapter 9 - Knivesy-poo's Request**

Alright, Knivesy-poo. I'm here. What do you want?

Knives: -walks in in a parka. His finger is still in his nose.-

-snickercacklesnigger.- HA HA HA.

Knives: T.T **MUST **you remind me of my humiliation?

You brought it upon yourself, Knivesy-poo. So yes. I must.

Knives: Screw you. But that's not what I came here to discuss.

Well then what did you come here to discuss?

Knives: My contract. I want out.

No can do, Knivesy-poo.

Knives: What do you mean "No can do"?

You work for me now. If I say your soul is mine, it's mine. Sorry, pal. No exit out of this elevator.

Knives: Well where's the contract? I'll rip it up.

No need. I had it copied onto stone and destroyed the paper copy. So you're stuck.

Knives: I can't be stuck. I'll kill you.

You've said this many times and still have yet to do so.

Knives: Well I mean it this time.

No you don't. I have the rights to castrate you if you try.

Knives: Say **_what?!?!?_**

And that is exactly the reason why you should read the **FINE PRINT.**

Knives: What fine print? The print was all the same size.

Duh. It was so fine that it was invisible to the naked eye. Have you never heard of a magnifying glass?

Knives: I despise you.

I know you do, Knivesy-poo.

Knives: Stop calling me that.

I can't do that, Knivesy-poo.

Knives: And why not?

You remember that night you got drunk? You told me to never call you anything but Knivesy-poo.

Knives: I never said that shit.

Yes you did. I have it on tape.

Knives: Blast you.

You're impossible to please, aren't you?

Knives: Just rip up the damn contract and I'll be happy.

How do expect me to rip a rock?

Knives: Dynamite.

Nope.

Knives: Well I quit. And you can't stop me.

I wouldn't do that.

Knives: You're a conniving, manipulative bitch.

I'm so insulted.

Knives: JUST LET ME OUT OF HERE DAMNIT!

Knivesy-poo.

Knives: What.

Have you finished mopping the bar yet?

Knives: ....No.

GET TO WORK YOU LAZY ASS BUM!

_With her powers of omnipotentness, the Authoress picks up the puny Knivesy-poo with a Gopher thingy and flings him to Chapter 10. _


	10. Adventures in Carabou Hunting

And now, we return to Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties. After a word from our sponsers.

Legato: -appears on screen holding a toilet brush.-

Knives: -walks in wearing a styrofoam toilet on his head and sulking.-

_The Authoress storms onto the stage._

"Legato. You can't work for Clorox."

Legato: Why not?

"Because. You signed a contract with me."

Legato: So?

"So that means you can't work for anyone else. It's in the fine print."

Knives: u.u It's a curse to us all.

"Damn right it is."

**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties**

**Chapter 10 - Adventures in Carabou Hunting**

Vash: This is **so** not fair. -is standing in a snow bank in his underwear.-

Knives: I'm rather enjoying myself.

Vash: That's because you have a nice warm parka. And several pounds of fireballs. (A/N: the candy.)

Legato: -pops one into his mouth.- And you find this problematic?

Vash: Yes. Yes I do.

Legato: -uses his mind control to make Vash lick his gun.-

Vash: Fhath he hell? -his tongue is now frozen stuck to the gun.-

Wolfwood: Gunpowder popsicle. Yum.

Vash: Thyou thwouldn't be thaying that thif yur thongue thwas thuck to a gun.

Legato: Master?

Knives: What?

Legato: You can't have finished mopping the bar in ten minutes. That's all it took you to get ready.

Knives: T.T' What are you, the author?

Legato: -eyes glow red and speaks in monotonous voice...wait..his voice already is monotonous.- Why, yes, Knivesy-poo. I am. -cackles.-

Wolfwood: o.O That's slightly disturbing.

Zazie: I think he had too many hotdogs dipped donut glaze this morning.

Vash: ITH DAT THWHERE MY GTHLAZE THWENT?!?!?

Legato: Huh? Who's got creamed broccoli in their underpants?

Zazie: The garden gnomes that crawled up into your brai...uh...head cavity.

Legato: ...Oh. Is that what it is? I thought it was mice again.

Zazie: I won't ask.

Legato: Darn.

Wolfwood: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Everyone present: -bliiiiiiiink.-

Wolfwood: What? o.O Why are you looking at me like that? I just asked if anyone had a lighter.

Legato: That was a blatant sexual invitation! O.O

Wolfwood: Say **what???**

Knives: Someone's lost their marbles.

Vash: -has finally pried the gun off of his tongue.- Oh, you've seen them? I've been looking for those for ages!

Knives: T.T No.

Vash: Aw. ;.;

Wolfwood: Let's just get on with this damn "carabou" hunt. I still don't know what the hell a carabou is.

Zazie: I think it's a cream puff.

Knives: You also think women have dicks. T.T

Zazie: You mean they don't?!?!?!

Wolfwood: -holds up a dirty magazine.- This, boy, is the anatomy of a woman. Memorize it. -tosses it to Zazie.-

Zazie: O.O I've been jipped!!!

Vash: -sighs.- Poor kid. Ignorance isn't always bliss.

_The Authoress, getting pissed off now, wrapped herself in a black cloak and descended to the world of the mortals. _

"NICHOLAS DOKONOKUMINOMONJAWARESUMAKINISHITESHIZUMETAROKAKORA WOLFWOOD, YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"

((A/N: And yes. That is what the D in Nicholas D. Wolfwood stands for. If you didn't know. I believe it translates to "daily cigarette consumption" or something like that.))

Wolfwood: MEEP. O.O -dies of asphyxiation.-

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE PORNO?"

Wolfwood: Uh...

"THIS FIC IS RATED PG-13 AND I'M NOT CHANGING IT TO R JUST SO YOU CAN INDULGE IN YOUR LUSTFUL WHIMS!"

All Males Present: X.X

"And so I decree that all porno and other explicit sexual materials shall be banned from Gunsmoke. I haven't decided if that includes donuts."

Vash: o.O How are donuts sexual?

".....Nevermind, Vash."

Vash: But--

"I SAID NEVERMIND."

Wolfwood: -watches as the mag in Zazie's hands self-destructs.- Wah. That was my favorite one!

"Well now your new favorite will be the toothbrush catalougue. Now if you'll excuse me, I have authory things to do."

_And thus the Authoress disappeared, taking all decreed sexual materials with her._

Wolfwood: This blows.

Vash: Well. What do we do now?

Meryl: HOW ABOUT YOU FIND SOME DAMN CARABOU?!?!

Vash: ACK! Shorty? What are you doing here?

Meryl: You've been standing here for the past 3 HOURS.

Vash: Oh...really??

Meryl: -stuffs Vash in a cannon and ignites the fuse.-

**BOOM.**

Millie: -comes running frantically from the house (which is by now an igloo).- Meryl!!! Something terrible has happened!

Meryl: -rolls her eyes.- What.

Millie: :**_WE'RE OUT OF PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

Meryl: X.X

The guys: -realize the danger in this situation and go running for the hills.-

-------------------------Three Snow Dunes Over-------------------------

Vash: Phew.

Wolfwood: We may want to build an igloo out here until Gunsmoke melts and Big Girl can get more pudding. Otherwise we'd likely be mistaken for pudding and be eaten.

Legato: Cannibalism has always held a certain appeal...

Knives: Not another word, Legato.

Legato: u.u

Wolfwood: Well. Only one thing to do now.

Knives: And what would that be?

Wolfwood: Carabou huntin'. -puts on a bunch of camoflauge crap and brings out a rifle.-

Vash: Uh...Wolfwood?

Wolfwood: Huh?

Vash: That camo doesn't exactly blend in with the snow.

Wolfwood: What, you ain't never heard o' hunter's orange?

Vash: Snow is white. x.x

Wolfwood: Well it oughta be orange. Hey, brat, go pee on the snow and make it orange.

Zazie: My pee is NOT orange. Yours might be but mine's not.

Wolfwood: -taking a puff of his cigarette.- Nah. Mine's tye-dye.

Knives: What the FUCK? How the hell is your piss tye-dye?!?!

Vash: Ooh! Ooh! Can you teach me to pee tye-dye?!

Wolfwood: Sure. See, all ya gotta do is... -whispers in Vash's ear.-

Vash: O.O Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Awesome.

Zazie: Hey. What's that thing moving over there? Maybe it's a carabu.

Vash: SSShhhhh. No sudden movements...-begins to creep forward slowly, rifle at the ready.-

Wolfwood: -suddenly begins to do the chicken dance in a very loud and obnixious manner.-

Knives: BLARGH! -dives into a snowbank.-

Vash: -tackles Wolfwood.-

Wolfwood: -sqwuaks loudly as he lands in a snowbank.-

Legato: -chases after the mysterious figure.- STUPID FRUIT LOOP, GET BACK HERE!

Mysterious Figure: -blinks.-

Legato: -tackles it.- GOTCHA!!!

-------------------------Back at the House-------------------------

Legato: I bring you food! -tosses the live lump onto the table.-

Meryl: T.T;;;;;;

Knives: e.e WE FROZE OUR BUTTS OFF FOR SIX STINKING HOURS AND YOU'RE NOT HAPPY THAT WE BROUGHT FOOD?!?!

Meryl: I asked for _carabou._ _This_ is **not _CARABOU._**

Legato: -blink.- It's not? o.o

Meryl: That...would...be...a...PENGUIN.

Millie: It's so cute! n.n

Meryl: -sigh.- We can't eat it.

Millie: That's right. Because we're keeping it as a pet.

Meryl: No.

Millie: YES WE ARE UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE HUMAN PUDDING!

Meryl: -sigh.- Fine. u.u

Knives: Well, forget it, because we're not going back out there.

Meryl: Oh yes you are.

Knives: And what incentive could _possibly _motivate us to do such a thing?

Meryl: If you ever want to use your genitals again you will.

Dominique: -chops salami with a butcher knife very loudly.-

The Guys: Yes, ma'am. O.O;;;

-------------------------Back in the Winter Wonderland-------------------------

Knives: Remind me to kill her when we get back.

Vash: Dude. You'd probably end up with a mallet on your head and a chainsaw in your chest. Not to mention what body parts you'd be lacking.

Legato: I think Shorty likes Master Knives.

Knives & Vash: o.O;;;;;;;;;;;;

Knives: I think not.

Vash: I concur! T.T

Wolfwood: Nope. Not possible. -trying to light a cig with a frozen lighter.- Because we all know--

Vash: That she likes me!

Wolfwood: Nooooo.....

Vash: What?!?!? ;.;

Wolfwood: Meryl's not allowed to like anybody. I'm her pimp. I dictate who she does and where she does them.

Vash: O.O **WHAT?!?!?!??!?**

Wolfwood: Sorry, man. I was supposed to keep that under wraps, but I didn't want you to get your hopes up.

Midvalley: Dude. I thought the Authoress banned pimping on Gunsmoke.

Wolfwood: She did. But I got a special Pimp Permit. -flashes a shiny, flourescent card.-

Vash: Nooooooooo! I can't believe this!

Legato: Why? It's not like you love her or anything.

Knives: Say _what_ now? You bitch! You're cheating on Rem! -tackles Vash.-

Vash: Rem's dead! I can cheat all I want!

Knives: Screw you! -pulling at Vash's hair.- Rem was cheating on you with me!

Vash: GASP!!!!!!! NO! REM WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME!!!!!!!

Knives: Face it, Vash. Rem and I were lovers. We did it allllllll night looooonnnng.

Vash: LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING! -stuffs snowballs into his ears.-

Legato: Vash, don't move.

Vash: LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING!

Legato: -rolls his eyes.- Fine then. Be that way. -aims his gun and shoots.-

Vash: -blink.- YOU KILLED ME! YOU STUPID BASTARD YOU KILLED ME!

Legato: -.- -walks over to where Vash was entrenched in the snow and picked up a dead carabou.- I don't think my aim was that bad.

Knives: -snickers.-

Vash: How can you find this funny?!? He nearly killed me!

Wolfwood: Dude. You wet yourself. -points to a patch of yellow snow.-

Vash: O.O

-----------------------Later That Night-----------------------

Everyone: -sitting around the campfire roasting Legato's carabou.-

Meryl: Well. It would seem we have some competence around here after all.

Vash: -sniffle.- He tried to kill me.

Wolfwood: You wet yourself.

Meryl: O.O AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Legato: -stands up.- I think I should have a reward for bringing home the bacon.

Millie: Tastes more like chicken to me.

Legato: T.T

Knives: Legato, you can't change your name to Jones again. And you've already had your hotdog priveleges. Think of something else.

Legato: -ponders.-

Meryl: How about some diapers for Vash?

Vash: I resent that! ;.;

Legato: I've got it!

Knives: Well?

Legato: I want Vash the Stampede to experience Eternal Pain and Suffering!

Everyone: -.-'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woot. That was fun. Took forever to write. But oh well. You love me anyway. You know you're addicted. And if you're not, well I have my methods. Bwa ha ha. Oh yes. It's my birthday Saturday. So wish me a blasted happy birthday already. And send me presents. Lots and lots of presents. And money. I could always use that stuff too. But if you can't pay for the shipping, I suppose you could always just send me a review. Phooey. Chapter 11 coming soon. Have to finish writing the T/I Crossover chapter 3 first so be kinda patient please. Thankies.

-Arishia-chan (Alicia)


	11. The Eternal Pain and Suffering of Vash

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Gun of Tri-ness.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what the three guns of Trigun are? Maybe they mean Vash's shiny revolver, Knives's shiny revolver, and Wolfy's Crosspunisher? Or maybe Vash's shiny revolver, his machine gun arm, and his angel arm gun thing that makes cities explode? I...don't...know. O.o

**Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties**

**Chapter 11 - The Eternal Pain and Suffering of Vash the Stampede**

Legato: I want Vash the Stampede to experience Eternal Pain and Suffering!

Knives: That's what you said in chapter 1. Jeez. Get some new ideas.

Legato: Master, if I wanted to be original I'd hire writers.

Wolfwood: Well, you heard the man. Commence with the suffering of Vash the Stampede!

Meryl: Wait a minute...

Millie: Where did Mr. Vash go?

Caine: -.u

Knives: Ah, you're right Caine. He's hiding behind that weird shaped cactus that looks oddly specifically like a cactuar from the Final Fantasy series.

Legato: That really is an oddly specifically shaped cactus. o.O

Midvalley: Shut up and make him suffer already.

Meryl: Alright Donut-boy, come out. We're obligated by contract to reward Legato with whatever he wants. He chose your sufferring so let's move it.

Vash: Uh..I'm not Vash the Stampede. I'm...uh...Crash Bandicoot? o.o

Everyone: -blink.- o.-

Meryl: Crash Bandicoot...right. I guess that makes me that evil dude. -pulls out a laser gun and incinerates the cactus.-

Vash: Shoot.

Wolfwood: Okay. -fires his Cross Punisher at Vash.-

Vash: CRAP! -dives behind a large potted plant.-

Legato: Okay, whatever man. Kinda weird though...-pulls his pants down and bends over.-

Knives: YOU MORON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Legato: He said "CRAP" so I was gonna, you know, crap.

Knives: T.T Alright. Who fed him peanut butter?

Wolfwood: What are you talking about?

Knives: Whenever Leggy over here ingests peanut butter, he goes on Extreme Literal Mode. Highly annoying.

Legato: It's an allergic reaction.

Vash: Right then...

Knives: ...Right. Commence with the suffering.

Vash: Eh..I'm not really in the mood to suffer. How about never?

Knives: I think not.

Legato: For my first phase of Vash's suffering, I command that all donuts shall be square!

Vash: Nooooooooo!

Legato:...and they shall taste like...

Vash: Don't do it man! Or, if you have to, make them taste like beer!

Legato: Well, I was going to say beer, but now that I know that will make you happy, I shall have to think of something else.

Vash: Damn.

Legato: Hm...let's see? Oriental fried chicken? No. Delicious cream-filled chocolate wafer cookies? No..

Vash: I hate those things, I hate them! -drools.-

Knives: Nice try, nimrod.

Legato: I've got it!

Vash: -groans.- I'm doomed!

Legato: I command that all donuts shall be square and taste like...gnome patties!

Everyone: -mass full body twitch.- o.O

Vash: -cries.-

Legato: Next I command that these square, gnome-patty flavored confections fall from the sky. And Vash must eat them until he utters the words "I hate donuts!"

Meryl & Millie: Gasp!

Wolfwood: Gasp!

Gung-ho-Guns: Gasp!

Some Random Guy: Gasp!

Vash: NEVER! NEVER I SAY!

Legato: Oh. You will. Mwa ha. Mwa ha ha ha. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

_Square donuts began to rain from the sky. One by one, Vash the Stampede was forced to eat every one of the gnomish-patty tasting morsels. _

Vash: I'll never give in! Never! -on the 5,038,293rd donut.-

Legato: By the powers that be and don't be, you will! But, just to make this easier on us all, I'll take the short cut.

Vash: Short-cut? What shor-

Legato: I command that Vash the Stampede shall scream in bold italics letters, "I hate donuts!"

Vash: O.O -clamps his mouth shut.-

Legato: In 5...4...3...2...1...Now.

Vash: **_I...HATE...DONUTS!_**

Knives: Ah ha hah ha hah ha ha ha! n.n

Legato: See now, don't you feel better inside?

Vash: -is rolling around on the floor clutching his heart.-

Millie: Oh dear. Does anyone know how to do a quadrouple bypass surgury?

Wolfwood: Me! Oh let me! Pick me! Meeeeeeee!

Legato: Hm...I pick...

Wolfwood: -jumping up and down waving the Cross Punisher.- Me me! Pick me!

Legato: Zazie!

Zazie: Me? Woot! xB

Wolfwood: Damnit! I wanna do quadrouple bypass surgury! -evil grin.- Oh...Chapel...

On The Operating Table. Inside (Where else?) The Bar

Zazie: -cleaning his "tools" and humming.- All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel. Do doo do doo doo doo doo doo doo...POP goes the weasel!

Meryl: Somehow I think the song will be changed to POP goes Vash. Just a hunch.

Legato: -blowing up a balloon that says "Get Worse Soon".-

Knives: -dressed in a nurses uniform.- Does this dress make me look fat? .x

Dominique: Eh...you could stand to lose a bit of weight around the hips.

Knives: -bursts into tears.-

Zazie: Nurse, this is no time to fall apart! Hand me the tweezers!

Knives: -sniffles.- Here. -hands him a pair of plastic kiddy tweezers.-

Zazie: I shall have to ask the rest of you to wait in the waiting room.

**BOOM**

Wolfwood: We don't have all day kid. Get movin'. -is smoking 3 cigs.-

Millie: Bokushi-san, you know what your anger management counselor said about smoking more than 1 at once.

Wolfwood & Meryl: -**twitch**.-

Meryl: Millie? T.T

Millie: Yes, sempai? n.n

Wolfwood: What...have...we...told...you...about mentioning _that **woman**_ in the vicinity of this planet?

Millie: Something about vanilla pudding? n.u'

Meryl: -holds up photos labeled "BLACKMAIL" with Millie eating broccoli.-

Millie: NO! NowIrememberitwassomethingaboutnotevereverevermentionBotan'snameagainpleasedon'tshowthosetomypudding!

Wolfwood: Right...o.O

Meryl: Yeah...O.o

Zazie: AHEM. Can we get on with it already?

Legato: Yes! Make him suffer!

Midvalley: Dimwit, he has to be alive for you to make him suffer. Doesn't help if he's dead. e.e

Legato: -ponders this.- I propose that you are right. Make him live so that he can suffer, Beast child!

Zazie: Right. Stethoscope.

Legato: -attempts to use telekinesis to get the stethoscope to Zazie.-

Knives: -picks up the stethoscope and hands it to Zazie.-

Legato: Ha! Fear me! I can make stuff float!

Knives: No you can't. I picked that up.

Legato: Well, then behold! I have the power to make Master pick things up!

Knives: Legato, do me a favor.

Legato: Anything Master!

Knives: -hands him a wooden frying pan.- Don't say a single word until you've turned this into gold. And no using spray paint or glitter like last time.

Legato: Aye aye Master! -sits there concentrating his mental powers on the frying pan.-

Zazie: Twizzlers! -stuffs them in Vash's insides.-

Meryl: Uh...twizzlers?

Zazie: Spoon. -shoves it up Vash's left nostril.-

Millie: Hey! That was my pudding eating spoon! T.T

Knives: Have a fork.

Millie: Eh, good enough. -chows down on her pudding.-

Zazie: -sweat rolls down his face as Vash's heart monitor starts to beat faster.- We're losing him! Quick! Administer physical shock!

Knives: -cackles whilst beating Vash's comatose body with Meryl's mallet.-

Meryl: You know, if I were into incest, that would be kind of kinky...

Knives: -drops the mallet and his jaw.- **I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! -**runs away.-

Zazie: Great. You scared off my nurse.

Wolfwood: -has shoved a pack full of cigarettes in each ear.- _Hear no evil hear no evil hear no evil hear no evil..._

Meryl: You people need to get in touch with your inner Funky Monkey.

Millie: Yeah. The Inner Funky Monkey is awesome. He likes pudding.

Zazie: Salmon.

Wolfwood: What the hell is an "Inner Funky Monkey"? Is this another one of those carabou things?

Meryl: -suddenly wearing hippie clothes and purple-tinted glasses.- The Inner Funky Monkey's,like, Love and Peace, dude.

Millie: Yeah, man. Dig the Love and Peace. Love your Inner Funky Monkey.

Midvalley: These two are really starting to worry me.

Dominique: It must be from the dramatic climate change -coughcough.- _which a certain authoress still hasn't fixed..._

Zazie: AHEM! I asked for a salmon 5 minutes ago people, do you **want** this loser to die?

Vash: Hell no!

Wolfwood: What the bleep!

Meryl: We thought you were having a freaking coronary!

Vash: Yeah. About 2 hours ago.

Zazie: You may thank me with 200 thousand double dollars please.

Vash: How about some of these gross unholy square gnome crap donuts. Bring 'er in boys!

_An enormous dump truck pulls up and dumps a load of the square gnome crap donuts on Zazie's head._

Dominique: Now that's quality entertainment.

Wolfwood: I'm bored. Let's do something.

Vash: Wait...hang on. -sticks a finger up his nose.-

Meryl: That's gross.

Vash: -pulls out the spoon.- I suppose you'll be wanting this back. -hands it to Millie.-

Millie: Why thank you Mr. Vash. -chucks the fork away and resumes eating with her snot and brains covered spoon.-

Wolfwood: Uh...maybe you should rinse your mouth out before the next time we eat sandwiches.

Millie: What are you talking about? This pudding's perfectly clean!

Wolfwood: -sighs.-

Vash: Hey, where'd Knives go?

Wolfwood: He ra--

**BAM**

Meryl: -twirling the mallet behind her back and whistling.- Bathroom.

Vash: Oh...Hey look at that dude on that motorized unicycle out there. Wearing a clown's business suit. Weird.

Wolfwood: He's heading straight for us! Take cover! -dives under the operating table.-

Vash: Dude. He's still 2 isles off.

Wolfwood: Yeah, but when he does come barrelling towards us, **I'll** be prepared. Suckers.

Meryl: He looks vaguely familiar...

Millie: Probably from your days as a Playboy Bunny.

Vash: Woot!

Meryl: Nah. I would have remembered scre--- I mean, consorting with a guy wearing a clown's business suit.

Vash: Huh? -pulls a salmon out of his ear.-

Meryl: We were talking about underwear made of cheese.

Vash: Oh. o.O I had a pair of those once. Melted right off. Got stuck to my--

Dude In The Clown's Business Suit: Which one of you is Ms. Meryl Stryfe?

Midvalley: That would be me.

**BONK**

Meryl: I'm Meryl Stryfe of the Bernardelli Insurance agency. What.?

Dude: Uh...yeah. I have a message here from one Mernie Stryfe's attorney.

Meryl: Ok...what's he want?

Dude: Yer grandma's dead.

Millie: OH MERYL I'M SO SORRY! -deathglomp.-

Meryl: -suffocating.- Gee...what a lovely way to break the news.

Dude: Yeah. You'll need to come with me to hear the reading of the will.

Vash: Ooh, can we come too?

Wolfwood: WOO! ROADTRIP!

Millie: Mr, will there be pudding there?

Dude: Sure. It's customary nowadays to hand out free pudding at attorney's offices.

Millie: Yay! Oh please can we go Meryl!

Dominique: You might as well say yes. I've already packed our stuff.

Legato: And the hotdogs!

Knives: -tiptoes in as far away as possible from Meryl.- Ah, Legato. I see you've somehow managed to turn that frying pan to gold..

Legato: Yep.

Knives: Well, how'd you do it?

Legato: Well, Master, I took some advice from Vash the Stampede.

Knives: And?

Legato: I peed on it.

Knives: ...

Legato: n.n I know. You're so proud of my ingenuity that you're speechless.

Knives: ...idiot.

Legato: Anyway, about this road trip, when are we leaving? I have to leave a note for Susan, my housekeeper.

Knives: Housekeeper? Don't you mean lairkeeper?

Meryl: Whatever. Yes, you can all come.

Wolfwood: I'll get the transportation!

Dominique: Oh not that hunk of junk.

Wolfwood: Oh yes. n.n

Vash: Crap. The Volkswagon.

Meryl: We'll never make it there alive.

Attorney's Office

Attorney: Hello Ms. Stryfe. I'm sorry for your loss.

Knives: We're not.

Attorney: Oh good. I was hoping I wasn't the only one.

Meryl: T.T' Can we get on with the reading of the will?

Wolfwood: Woot! Free stuff! Yay Grandma Mernie!

Vash: Dude, where'd you get this awesome table that seats 33 1/2?

Attorney: We used this defective time machine to go back to King Arthur's time and steal his round table. We left them consolation bath soaps.

Vash: Oh, that's nice.

Meryl: AHEM.

Attorney: Oh right, yes. The will. Well, Ms. Stryfe there's not really very much here to read.

Knives: Ha ha! You're unloved!

Attorney: It says here, "To my only surviving heir, Meryl Jehosaphatina Bernadette Meredith Stryfe, I leave all my lawn flamingoes..."

Knives: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Meryl: -deathglare.-

Wolfwood: Woot! Free lawn flamingoes!

Attorney: I'm not finished reading yet.

Knives: Damn.

Attorney: "...and the entire planet of Gunsmoke and my 3.5 trillion dollar mansion at the North Pole. Also, I'm leaving my 666.666 trillion dollar fortune with you. Have a nice day. Love, Grannie Mernie."

Knives: **_O.O! _**-faints.-

Vash: **_X.X!_**

Wolfwood: **WOO! A _LOT_ OF FREE STUFF!**

Millie: **_DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PUDDING THAT WOULD BUY?_**

Legato: **_THINK OF ALL THE HOTDOGS!_**

Meryl: Holy shit. I'm rich.

_A/N: Hey, it's good to be back. I've already got the next 3 chapters lined up, so hopefully there won't be much of a wait. Let me know what you think. Ciao._


End file.
